wake and bake baby

its a good life

when you can do that.

took a wake and bake walk today. saw the sights. took in my new neighborhood. I live in the legit suburbs now. and I’m pretty much legit celibate also. So we can totally flop that Carrie Bradshaw reference. By some standards I’m probably not cooler at all anymore. I might have adopted the allure of a 40something year old stereotype soccer mom.

I walk a lot on private property. Nobody finds me though because I’m part ninja, part pixie. So I find myself, somewhere…. on the shore of maybe public water supply property, maybe not. And I pass by this water everyday. I see the shore I always thought was sand. And I thought, wow, there is a lot of sand showing. And I thought, wow, there are a lot of lily pads in the water as well.

wrong.

well, somewhat wrong.

its mostly garbage. legit basura.

anybody speak spanish?

that means garbage.

I was walking along what I had imagined would be a sandy shore of a town river bank; and it was like walking on cardboard. I thought John The Baptist was going to appear to me himself and tell me to get my shit together. I can say literally it was an extremely sobering moment in my life.

that’s really all I’ve got to say about it.

that & don’t throw your damn trash out the window.

& recycle when you can.

make good choices

xx

happy spring

 

 

I definitely spoke to a chipmunk today on my hike in the woods. 

 

 

so now is a time of new things. new feelings, new thoughts, new habits. my new computer came in the mail today. I won’t have to use the library to work on squarespace.com anymore. I will miss it though. maybe sometimes I’ll go back just for nostalgia’s sake.

 

 

BUT MAYBE NOT. because aint nobody really gotta lotta time fah dat.

 

I have so many, many things I’d love to update about tonight. But you know what? Its Friday & its springtime. So I’m gonna cut myself a break. Try to have a proper weekend for once. 

except don’t puff cigarettes solo.

 

dem shits is gross

 

 

keep it fresh mothafuckas

xx

 

so long lucky ’13

going, going, going, gone.
Why not get head first on a fresh start.

and then keep on keeping on.

 

enough of the rap battle wars. we’ve got a fucking job to do! and my dress gets out of the washer to the dryer in a few minutes! Then you know, the dryer’s done & I’ve got places to go.

 

I went to two different malls & I figure I fit in everywhere. I was sober and polished at the ritzy one. Then I picked up a dub and returned some clothes at the dumpy one. I just wanted to say that. And there was a difference. I don’t care what anybody says or tells you, “oh but that’s not fair” money makes a difference.

YEAR RECAP?!!?!? ANYBODY?!>!?!

 

JANUARY

smoked weed.

FEBRUARY

smoked weed.

hahaha. Also, was still enraptured in the the throws of Mister Big. I’m sure that throughout the both of those months I saw him move to at least 3 different places, stopped talking maybe five times and rekindled that romance a dozen times.

MARCH, APRIL, MAY

Working at that fine dining grind. And playing Queen Titania in Midsummer Night’s Dream. That show was INSANE. Let’s actually do this. So I’m back at the good ole community college in hood ass Brass City CT. I smoked some weed with Peter Quince and got busted by mon muellier ami, le stage manager. That was funny. The director already knew we smoked weed. Sold that shit to him twice. Almost three times, but I didn’t want to part with what little I had left for a stinking $20.

Needless to say that loser lost his job. He also bagged the student costume designer. Which lead to a stapler in the dressing room, and one of my fairy homegirls hooked me up real good.

JUNE, JULY, AUGUST

this has got to get real abridged. because I just threw that black dress in the dryer. xxxxxfyes

I got a wonderful job at the summer camp, which changed my life. And I was a leader for four children, camp style musicals, and 4 cabins of beautiful 13-15 year old girls. There were beautiful/politically incorrect things like Indian Ceremony. There were dance parties, puberty, inspirational talks & secrets. There was a hike to see the sunrise, my counselor friends, theme nights, and some lip dipping. I LOVE YOU xoxoxox

Then the rest of the year, I finished school, I worked hard, I kept my head down.

SEPTEMBER, OCTOBER, NOVEMBER

My Douchey Professor script started. I missed the first two weeks of my Art History Class. And I started commuting to Brooklyn, my love. Somewhere in there I might have started this sonnofabitch. I had my birthday party in NY and it turned into the pussy party of the century, opposite of a sausage fest.

NEXT YEAR

smoke weed, blow minds, have fun, live life.

Clothes are done. Keep it weird, love you all.

xx

the high life

 

 

 

living it
bringing it
and killin it

 

 

I went sledding today with two extremely beautiful people & we smoked and got our asses kicked by gravity walking up & were rewarded on the way down. 

 

I thought how nice it would be to ski someday & to go to the rocky mountains. 

 

Thinking about things like that – relate to big and would normally have made me sad. but he’s made it quite clear to me: that the time is in fact; never going to be right. and I should open up my heart to the mysteries lurking in the brooklyn corner of the world. reluctantly, repeatedly, I’ll try again.

 

And I also thought – well hey just because I think of Montana being a place where he would be, and where I would want to be together.. doesn’t mean I can’t still go there someday. I need to go to brooklyn first. I need to make a living.

 

But that’s quite difficult when everyone that I am trying to work with is wanting to sleep with me. Thats an exaggeration, but still frustrating all the same. It makes me feel down about it, to be honest.  If all this fucking time I was trying to get shit started, you just wanted your d wet? that makes me feel real shitty. shitty enough to drop you all together & get my own camera. keep the name or sign on to somewhere new entirely. 

 

I got all I need. and probably a little more actually. A Very Merry Baghead Christmas will be coming shortly. A second in a series of odd videos I made. by.my.self.thank.you.

 

the world is my oyster & I wont be tied down for anything, by anything.

except, for xmas please SOMEBODY find me a web designer. 

 

xx

staying occupied

 

 

with what though…that’s an entirely different story.

 

 

hiatus is good. like micheal buble ‘feeling good’ kind of good.

birds flying high
you know how i feel

 

speaking of birds flying high, today is a day to get out into that nature preserve. this blog might have to be redirected as “storiesofashamangirl” like the bhagavad gita but cooler.

 

I did a deep spirit animal meditation – like a year ago. and met Bagheera. and as I’ve said its been coming back to me. I was in the nature preserve earlier this week, getting my shaman on & saying thanks to the pond. On my way out I sat on a bench and just started sitting still & meditating. I ended in the most ridiculous posture, like laying out with my head back on this park bench in the woods.

 

I might have looked like a doper real hard, but I promise, I don’t touch that stuff.

 

Mr. Big dropped the ball in a big way this weekend. strike #258. batter up!

 

that only bothers me, because its a double standard. I’d drive through fuckin hellfire to see him. but he gets a good run going at the casino and hell could freeze over, itd still be too far.

 

and that poem I posted, never made the cut into “dancing through the fire” NEW POEMS, by yours truly. so don’t worry. I re-read it once, and was like “this sucks”

to make up for it, here’s one that’s about much more than love:

 

//new morning market

I am drunk
not really
     drunk

But drinking
I have to leave
in a few minutes
to go to work
to train
cashier
for the first time.

 

And I hope
I don’t fuck up
      too badly

the world is
getting warmer
      and the u.s

will do nothing
          about it

 

I quote T. Jefferson
when I say:
I too
“weep for my country
when I think God is
                     just ”

Because in the
end of days
justice will be
served
to the poor
to the few
and to the weak
too strong
to stand it
anymore

 

And I fall
somewhere in
the wayside
drinking red wine
and praying
for a change.

 

 

x – that one made it. so if you like it, consider it a little freebie [;

dancing through the fire, I came up with last minute before sending it off to the publishing contests. I really wanted to allude something to Bukowski, because that bastard made me. but I wanted something my own & I wanted something modern, catchy, and slightly relevant. Katy Perry came on the radio & I was sold.

its a hybird of “What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire” and “Eye of the Tiger”

 

so tight. vacuum sealed. not even breathing room.

 

rocksteady
rock hard
rock on

 

tgif.xx

eat, pray, weed

 

 

tarot cards and astrology

 

I’ve had a spiritual awakening my friends!

 

 

and its been real swell. living down here in fairfield I think is actually saving my ass. its improving my quality of life by about 500% and I am finding my old self confidence, who ditched me for a while back there…

 

my aunt is phenomenal. I just have to say that. she’s so much more than phenomenal. she’s an angel. indescribable. and her husband; they’re good people. 

 

I haven’t had a car for the past week or two & they’ve been alternatively letting me borrow their high end, spanking new, super shiny, ridiculously expensive luxury vehicles. this sounds gloaty, but holllly shit. I drive that thing around like a golden eggshell.

 

golden. eggshell.

 

but more than the material, they’ve blessed me with so much more than that.

there is a sacred pond at the nature preserve just down the street. that my aunt & her friends blessed. And like, they really blessed it. Not just humming a few chants over it and throwing some ashes in it. Like they BLESSED this damned thing – shamanistic shit right there. and I believe. totally. because that’s what fucking changed my life.

 

I wasn’t dunked in the pond like John the Baptist or anything – though I would have gone for that too…

 

We did a Chakra Cleansing.  which literally – I felt the effects from immediately. it was a deep meditative experience. And like – I’ve meditated before. I’ve found my spirit animal – Bagheera, waddup. but this guided meditation was powerful and moving. I was numb to the cold, I was numb to my ankle getting squashed and I was totally into it.

 

we cleansed and also did a guided meditations called the “bucket” meditation. where you take all of your burdens and dump them into a bucket – then the angels or the heavens or the astrological guardians, whatever floats your boat, takes it away.

and that was the most powerful for me- because anybody can be like “okay its been taken from me” but I was already like knee deep into this meditation so I’m in it to fucking win it. and I came to the burden about my mother & that rejection, fear, guilt and ecetera. What was different and striking about releasing this pain versus all the others.. I didn’t want to let it go, or It didn’t want to let go of me.

 

then in meditation, the angel pulled it from me. and I willingly released it, as I watched that nasty metal, overflowing bucket get carried away elsewhere into the universe.

 

and it has worked my friends. it has truly worked its white magic healing power on me.

 

 

during this unannounced, impromptu spiritual retreat, halloween passed. I didn’t do anything fancy except wear last years costume & smoke a bunch of weed, drinking pumpkin beer. & got my tarots read.

 

that was also something pretty phenomenal.

 

we all figured it was the best day to do it, since them spirits is so close to the earth. and it was…. like really pretty cool.

 

I got a celtic cross done and I wanted to know about my career & where its headed and what I can do to like, make some shit happen. Because twofiftystudios is dragging its feet, which is hella annoying & my partner won’t be back in the game til February… also annoying.

 

plus I asked about the internship, my poetry book, which I have just sent out to some publishing contests. & I got a fairly clear result.

It started out in the present. it says that I am in the process of a rebirth and I should take my time with big decisions. rushing things to get them done quickly doesn’t always guarantee the best results. It finished with The Page of Fire, meaning that I got this shit on lock. Also two cards in there indicated I will have something like “the midas touch” but I just have to wait for it, cool out and stop stressing.. when its time to work, I will work. but now is the time to rest.

 

 

and that’s advice I think anybody can benefit from.

 

so I’m still on this hiatus. twofifty is taking off around February, poetry submissions are in the mail. 

 

 

life is good.

 

 

xx

bday in the bk

 

 

and i don’t mean
burger king…

 

 

I like it when you can get away with a lot, if its your birthday. I seem to have gotten away with quite a bit…

 

my wonderful friend in Bedsty leant me her couch last evening. and many devious things proceeded to occur. I played a riveting game of Rummy 500, and the game quit itself around 350. lol. in more exciting news I dropped my precious space robot iphone down a fire escape – and it lives to tell the tale.

That I have found to have been the biggest birthday feat. there’s more…

 

endearing texts from Mr. Big playing on the offense, what a chap he can be when he wants to be. another almost rendez-vous with a partner of mine… aka of the creative kind. no names attached, please. no tequlia para mi porque I didn’t want to take a midnight train & was missing the 11:22 with a long shot.

I was accepted into a clique of beautiful Greek women, who loved it was my birthday & I could only speak small spanish sentences with them et un petite de francais.

 

there was smoking a morning spliff out the window of the second floor apartment.. the scandal here is, no one lives in there yet. so I adjusted and organized myself alone, in an empty room, entirely empty, except for me and my smoke.

 

there was also a delicious candle-lit croissant breakfast. thank you, Renee

 

THEN devious-ness ensues at The Brooklyn Museum…

 

I only paid $5 instead of the suggested 12, lost my bag check ticket, still got my bags, and saw the most badass art by Wangechi Mutu. Humming, was my favorite – holy fuck she blew me away. I was literally moved on her piece “Your Story My Curse” like literally almost choked up.. so beautiful. and just unbelievable in person..

^ humming

“your story, my curse”

 

 

The most beautiful thing about the entire weekend- was sitting in Prospect Park post spliff, and feeling on my own. feeling free. and for the first time in a solid chunk of time, I felt fine with where everything was. Too often we try to change things, tweak our lives to perfection, push ourselves for exceptional. but sometimes the greatest achievements we can make, is to just be still. accept it all and love it the best we can.

 

 

thank you birthday free pass,
I’ll see you again next year.

 

 

 

xx

girl code

 

 

i smoked on the way to the gyno today
#is that weird

 

 

hahaa! didn’t seem that weird to me. spliffs will be my undoing though. so much smoked out in the continuous burn. the continuous burn mannn. yeah – I’ve been riding it. coasting on it. that self medication binge. but its ending. yesterday was day one, so today is day two.

 

so you know what that means???? when this bag is done – so’s this bender. which is cool. it’ll be clear & focused. then probably for my birthday, you know. it comes up. but it’ll just come up & pass. like no more need for constant sedation now that I’m in fairfield.

 

which is so wonderful [:

 

but get ready for one storiesofasobergirl for like 3 posts. LOL – you can handle it.

 

I can handle it. Mr. Big is not so copacetic. I called him for a simple hike today, but he’s wound up in what I like to call his web of discontent.

 

but what was that last Bradshaw blowback? F the buzzkils. so that’s still relevant. that’s an everyday. that’s a TFL – tip for life. One more for today?. That’s clear; you want something done? Do it. duh

 

what are you expecting Buddah?

 

nothings gonna slow you down more than you can. you’re hurting? oh, because no one else is. you’re the only person who’s got baggage. so the entire world should stop existing and stop persisting so you can take your sweet old time getting shit together. That’s not reality. That’s not a way to live – that’s not life.

 

tough love doesn’t have to hurt

 

 

i hope it doesn’t
but it sometimes does.

 

 

xx.

 

 

branching out

 

and getting shit done. all the while keeping it revolutionary.

 

i try to make things sound poetic… because then its a whole lot more fun to read. you could probably read a fantastic history of the medevial times if it was told right. throw some harsh blunt realities in there, in your face.

 

harsh blunts, in your face. all day. absorb that history. the bubonic plauge and Machaut; making music during death.

 

Machaut is a french poet/composer for the late king, peace my brotha who was paid to be in the Flandish courts. he became the first flandish rockstar. if flandish is something like ethnicity.

history lesson. done. the medevial music scene done. him and the pope .xx represent xx.

 

LOL. i wonder how I’d do as a history teacher. I also thought if I loved the scholastic route, I’d take some kind of disciplined study. like languages. commes lengues, comme ma favorite, francais. did i spell that right?

 

but I don’t. I like my own route. and that one is the one I am presently aboard and taking.

 

Laurel Thatcher Ulrich said it best, my friends. ” Well behaved women, seldom make history” and she was right. woman or not. 

 

What does that mean to misbehave. in this historical context, she was right. it was about women, and their imposed roles in society. to be quiet, docile and locked the duck up. but now that is applicable to all genders, races, orientations. Anyone that is imposed upon by society to be quiet and locked the f up. get out there, make some trouble, get shit done.

 

I’m trying really hard to get a hold of a real domain name. for a real website and then i will have a lot of very good and troublesome things up. that’s a small reason why this blog is here, to accent it. but i also just like to empty my mind out without thinking much else about it.

 

twofiftystudios.com, is what i am looking for. and if i don’t hear an email back from technical support at fastdomainnames.com or whatever – I might have to start making LOST and WANTED posters. there’s another and entirely separate history lesson to that.