on the fly

 

 

back at the ole office again
lol, the fairfield public library.

 

 

my girl is cutting into my computer time. she’s fuming. we looked at a beautiful house the other day.. to live in. and I’m real pissed too. The Common Alligator could’ve been filmed easy in that house. so not only does that make me out of a room, that leaves me out of a set.

we can maybe salvage it if, her grandma “cuntslaps that bitch” her words, not mine. lol. new words for you.

 

 

speaking of salvaging. I officially signed up for a legitimate site on squarespace.com website – turns out that makes me start back again at ground zero. so I guess twofiftystudios.com is not ALMOST FUCKING READY!!! haha, funny how we can get so excited about things and we feel as if they are already happening. and then we find out that things can always fall through. things will always change.

 

wanna know why?

 

because nothing ever stays the same.

 

didn’t need me to tell anybody that. so I gotta run. said this was on the fly.

got 48 minutes left.

 

 

xx

motherfuckaz

I said no sex, I never said I wouldn’t date.

I continuously find it really funny that I work at an Asian noodle house & I’m not the least bit Asian. Neither is like 75% of the staff.

and please, nobody call this poor boy. I realize I just posted his phone number on the internet. and I haven’t even called him yet. …. whoops. c’est la vie, oui?

twofiftystudios.com IS ALMOST FUCKING READY!!!!!!! and I am doing it ALL by MY SELF. like words cannot describe the accomplishment I feel, the fuck yous I feel, the satisfaction, elation, and contemplation mother fuckin bird migration. I don’t know – I was just trying to find a lot of applicable words that rhymed & got a little carried away.

I’m not doing it entirrrrrrely by myself. but for the most part. I’m the only one still plugging on a saturday. that’s my choice though.

‘all work on no play
keeps me on that new shit’

love Lorde. love that fucking scandal for a second about her Grammy speech. So what did happen, actually. Does anybody know? Are we really living in a 1984 world… Like, did they really cut her off the air?

if they did – well fuck then. I don’t stand a chance.

at least not making any of their piss money.

which is fine by me.
like I’ve said, my choice.

Big and I are back on the bandwagon – in case anybody’s keeping fucking track.

i love you all
thanks for being slightly interested
in my weird life

xx

no sex, no city

 

hold on to your seats ladies & gentlemen…
there’s yet another change of plans.

 

I want to talk real quick about the job I was expecting in the BK. And I want to just make it quick because I’m still using that as a reference on my resume. The infamous Art Gallery lead me on like a sore sucker without any commitment. In the interview, there was promise of a position, in conversations there was promise of position. In mother fucking verbal contract there was talk of payment for that #sellout show I worked at.

want to know what? they left me high and dry with some motherfuckin blue balls.

Not even payment for the week in January. Like, seriously woman, what the heck.

 

So I’m so glad I took those like 8+ beers from the bathroom closet, and I’m so glad I refused to keep doing your social shit for free. Because you are bogus, you’re opportunistic and you’re cray cray.

I’ve come to a realization; I came to it at the mall today, wearing heels. Wearing heels at the mall, a Macy’s Manager says coyly to me, “Don’t slip.” Am I supposed to laugh & smile at him? No. F you. You don’t slip yourself. That’s annoying.

So my awakening is this; I’m not going to be nice to people anymore, who aren’t nice to me.

 

No sex, no city my friends. And we’re not in Kansas either.

 

That covers my absence from the city for the time being – and the sex, please reference my post “the day after, the day after” because that shit just isn’t working out for me anymore. Not with anybody I’ll probably meet here in ct. Not anybody I’m probably going to be meeting in at least a month’s time, because the devil is too busy in the relationship house. By that I mean – I keep drawing it out in tarot because its not the right time. My work is the draw that gets allla dem good cards.

Plus, being celibate (I’m seriously doing it) I will have more time, energy and heart to fall in love and build a relationship with The Common Alligator, with Thompson, and with the cast & crew. Just don’t ask me to stop smoking weed, because that shit ain’t going nowhere. Me and Jane are BFF’s.

 

 

and its always hoes before bros

xx

fairfield computer lab

 

 

public library
take two

 

There’s something funny about posting from a public vs. private place. Maybe you tend to censor yourself more. But it just encourages me to be a little more embarrassing. Haha, make people uncomfortable for reading over my shoulder?

 

maybe not. but anyways. its for people to read, isn’t it?

 

I sent some emails and drew some cards today. Tuesday Booze Day at the noodle house, just kidding. But everybody might as well be drunk there. What a zoo.

 

My cards were sick, like good. I mean, not everything. But I understand it. I think I might return my half of the $200 dinner. infamous now. feckit. Its the right thing to do. I don’t want to be remembered like that…

 

They say you’re not supposed to draw for the same question in more than one month’s time. That makes sense then, that I keep getting Devil & Death right the fuck next to each other every time I draw for Mr. Big. I’m saying shelf it, forget it, but its not a switch I turned the ferk on, so how do I switch the thing off?

 

ferk it. lol. lerlz.

 

The Common Alligator! Is coming! We’re working on a fundraiser video & then casting stuff. The cards still do indicate partners in this endeavor. Right now I’m talking to two dudes with glasses that are not that short, but not that tall either.

 

keeping them bases covered

 

all the way around

 

xx

the day after, the day after

 

 

valentine’s day.

 

the day after, the day after.

 

I’m so sorry Chris. 

 

 

 

FUCK. my life. I might be one of the worst people. I definitely get a page in the “stereotypical bitch” handbook. I broke up with this AMAZING DUDE, the day after Valentine’s Day. Which by the way, fuck anyway.

 

I didn’t even plan it, I didn’t even know it was really happening. But we went to breakfast the day after, at his friends’ apartment, which by the way are the perfect nuclear couple and totally in love & she does all the cooking and cleaning and kitchen work and he sits there and smokes weed, and then somehow I was expected to get up and do some kitchen work. I got stuck making some fucking waffles, when, hello I’m sorry, but I was invited there!!!??! How do I get stuck in the kitchen, when I was invited there & I don’t really know the apartment owners that much at all..

 

Anyway, the pressure was building. I’ve tried to be quite clear that I want to focus on myself, I want to focus on my work, and I want to focus on being a 23 year old mother fuckin go-getter…. -____- but, sometimes its hard, he was so into us, being a thing, and he just kind of kept doing that own thing instead of letting me by me independent self & appreciate that. And plus, I have serious plans to be a bread-winner for my family in the far or near distant future… (at this rate, probably quite far) and I’m okay with even supporting a man, just let me do my thing. but *le grand sigh* it just didn’t go that way….

 

 

So I accidentally broke up with him the day after Valentine’s day. The day after a $200 dollar dinner at the most beautiful restaurant he pulled strings to get us in to. I mean, I did reciprocate, but hey, let’s be honest, there wasn’t any love. And when there isn’t love the sex just turns to selfishness. I’m not in to that so much either. I’d rather really make it worth my while..

 

So I’m so sorry, I’m so very sorry. But sometimes the heart is a confusing thing & we don’t even really know what we want, until we close our eyes and just let the word vomit pour out and then we’re leaving out the door getting back into our car fifteen minutes later.

 

It was a clean break, and we’re going to be fine. I have a hard time knowing I hurt somebodys’ heart. so that’s a little sore for me still. The nail in the coffin is the $200 dinner…. that is fucking killing me.

 

I had this nice idea to leave a thank-you note for him at his apartment with a $100 bill in it, saying “here’s my half for that wonderful dinner” and leave it at that. But I just don’t fucking know man… I don’t want to stir the pot.

 

Speaking of stirring the pot. Every time I hear of an avalanche happening in Colorado, I google Big’s name to make sure he isn’t dead. That’s weird isn’t it? I just want to make sure I still have a .0001% chance of seeing his face again.

 

 

sometimes its best to let sleeping dogs lie.
and sometimes its best to just fuck off
but I just can’t decide.

 

 

xx 

snow daze

 

 

well hey, winter definitely happened this year. 

and its just gonna keep on mother fuckin snowing all day over here…

 

 

I went to see that psychic reader yesterday. She was right. The noodle house is closed today & my cash flow is aching. Thank god I don’t pay rent here. My cousin doesn’t pay for shit either. She came home for a few days & I actually wound up fronting the cash for her read. I’m a little sore about it. Jusssst because I may be jealous she has every material blessing you could possible imagine & still takes it all for granted. I came from shit bottom & still smile about it.

 

but hey. its karmic. I guess.

 

Psychic lady mentioned a bit about the 250 endeavor. She shocked me by mentioning a partner in the matter. A man, with glasses, who is not that tall. My buddy who fucked shit up for us by being horny fits that description entirely. I asked if it could be him. She was like “yeah probably” And I’m like “I’m not paying fucking $75 for ‘probably’ lady..” but of course I’m too polite to say that out loud.

 

so I called that mother fucker as soon as I got out. We have some discussing to possibly do. 

 

She also said that it was going to take “a lot of work” more than I may realize. -___- yeah, I know. I realize. And she also said I was going to need a lot of money, capital to start this, didn’t say where it’d come from… so, like, thanks? I guess?

 

Because I’m pretty sure I already knew that & that… And I’m actually pretty fucking tired of hearing it.

 

Its exactly what I think 250 is trying to counteract. That you don’t need a shit ton of money to get your art out there. You SHOULDN’T neeeeeed a shit ton of money to have your voice heard. THAT’S OUR POINT. And as for work? I can handle hard work. I think you definitely need to earn your keep. Expression is easy, getting an audience to listen? That needs some elbow grease.

 

Which is why I want to take a hot second out here & thank you crazy bitches for liking & following my blog. We’re almost at 40 followers and, maybe to you that doesn’t seem like a lot. but to me, it definitely is. xoxo

 

All in all it ended with the Two of Wands, which is symbolic for new enterprises. Its funny, in the deck she had; the figure was standing holding only one of the wands, the other planted in the ground. Ahead was a small circle of the earth, just within reach. I think it was positive. I drew the moon, death, the star, judgement and the empress. I told her I practiced reading cards myself. But I was so caught up in the partnership thing that I didn’t ask about much else. I should have, but I have my own deck. 

 

The shoot with the photographer went really well. if I like them damned pictures enough, maybe I’ll actually reveal my face & post one here.

 

 

or maybe not [;

 

some things are better kept a mystery

 

 

xx

tuesday, lose day

 

I’ve come up with nicknames for all of the days of the week at work.

 

Monday & Sunday Funday. all in one day.

Tuesday, obviously is Loseday.

Wednesday is Friendsday, because I’m not fucking there.

Thursday is Turdsday because I’m back.

Friday is Dieday.

And Saturday is Caturday because I let my Asian friend Kali make up one…

 

 

I’m working hard man, real hard. I’m going to get started on my own website by now… You’d think I would have done that shit already. Yeah, me too. I signed up on Square space. Them bitches too advanced for my prehistoric mac. So it looks like I’ll be hitting up the Library real soon. Like how about tomorrow?

 

And I’m applying to Cinefest & some LA script festival shit. 

 

Man, I’m hungry. I picked some fish off some bones today at work and ate some spicy white rice. Other than that I just ate oatmeal in the morning. Living like a peasant. Kind of loving it.

 

‘cept I’m mothafuckin hungry. 

 

all the time.

and not even for food.

 

 

For some soul foooood.

 

lol, Speaking of soul food. I’m going to see a real psychic tomorrow. And I’m also dying my hair purple again. I’m real excited though… Reaaal excited for our talk. What dafuqqq she gonna say? Will she say I’m a phony -that’s my worst fear, or will she say that I’m on the right track in all things, rough waters right now but gotta keep pushing on through. Because that’s how I’m feeling. But who knows? I’m sure her reality on some levels is different than mine. But we’ll see what dem cosmos have ta say.

 

Also I’m getting professional pictures of my self taken tomorrow, by a photographer that came in to eat at the restaurant I work at. Fancy that. My aunt will be sitting in the parking lot, in case of funny business. But I think he’s quite reputable. Photographing Fortune 500 people is a good deal, right?

 

haha, and I can keep these for free! Imagine if they’re ever worth something..

 

don’t we all dream big like that sometimes?

 

I think we do.

 

 

Xx

 

xoxo

 

 

I’ve been away recently. 
so sorry about that.

 

 

life’s too short not to love.
right?

 

life is definitely too short not to live.

 

 

So I’ve been away, working on some other things. Writing related, love related, life related. And its been difficult to come back and put it into words. There are sometimes just too many words, topics, choices; it can get overwhelming. And at that point, I throw my hands up and forgettaboutit. 

 

That’s exactly what my cards have said. I’ve been playing with them a bit recently, although play isn’t exactly the right word. I’ve been asking for guidance on reading them, been facing some roadblocks and negative energies, that the cards are picking up. I’ve drawn The Devil card a record breaking amount for any beginner I can assume. Its been quite startling. I’ve questioned my belief in them, and then I reassess and push myself even harder. 

 

because brooklyn we go hard, we go hard.

b-r-o-ok-l-y-n

brooklyn.

 

I read for my life in general, love, career, any small fetuses growing inside me. And the overall outcome was that I need a superior motive. Because lately, I’ve maybe been just too complacent. And complacency is stagnancy and that is death itself. 

 

But I’ve thought – well, life is too short not to love. I’ve been in love without choice, and this time I might just be trying to force myself. And you’ll be surprised, somehow it works.

 

I told my hooper friend Sarah on an impromptu shroomy movie night – Anyone is capable of loving anyone. And she looked at me, square in the face and said, “wow. I’ve honestly never thought of that before… It kind of just sucks all of the romance out of it.” Laughing I said, “oh, yeah well it does. I never thought of that.”

 

That’s just a minor, minor detail of that night – everyone who reads this should watch, “The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus.” because its incredible, and mange mushrooms, it’ll blow your mind.

I told my Mr. Marriage Material Man Friend that same thing; not about the movie, about love. And he had a different response. He said that it was kind of beautiful in a way.

 

 

that got me thinking. debating with myself.

 

the debate goes one. maybe when I settle that shit I’ll stop drawing the damned devil card.

 

 

 

until next time

 

xx