#dontbescared

 

 

it took a few days to recover, but I’ve been dealt worse blows than this.

 

 

despite it all, I still believe in love. I still think you’re out there. at this hour. maybe even thinking about me. Somewhere in a bar with glitter on your face. Your hair and your clothes covered in your sweet sweat and your voice deep and soft, talking to a friend or someone you’ve just met about something brilliant or removed.

 

I dreamt about you last night… again. Sometimes in bed I ask my mind to see you in my dreams. Usually it works. You had a woman on your arm this time. Someone I’ve met.  She cast a spell to keep you at her side. But you didn’t want to be there. You were talking to another girl, through text that I saw in my dream. Someone I had never heard of. You were pleading to her, to get away from this one who holds you captive in her seemingly passive but severe & supernatural grip.

 

I don’t know if I’m an option anymore, but in my dreams you still watch me. When I ask for you, you still come to me.

 

so maybe. we’ll see.

 

But I’ve got to say I’m so tired of waiting. I just want to wake up next to someone near the beach and be in love.

 

Nigerian Prince shit the bed faster than you could change the sheets. I knew the mistake we made before we made it, and all the while while we made it. but we gave in to the carnal kind of pleasure we both wanted, before we knew a thing about each others’ soul. it left us wanting and surrounded by a false sense of intimacy, which lead to a feeling of duty and a heavy burden of pretense and commitment. We both ran from it with our heads still turned back looking towards each other.

 

What could have been? What if we waited?

 

Maybe it’d be the same as where we stand now. separate and silent. our heads buried too deep into our personal pursuits for success that we’re blind to the notion of settling down.

 

But baby, I don’t want to settle down. I want to soar.

 

I’d love to have someone at my side for that ride, you know.

 

I saw a photo of my first love and his eyes looked tired. that kind of broke my heart. please don’t tell me that you let your dreams die inside those sleepy hills and please don’t tell me you’ve laid yourself down beside those mountains and surrendered yourself to rest.

 

because when I knew you there was a fire that burned too bright even for me. and that was something I loved most.

 

I think it was something even she might have loved most. so for your family, don’t let the coals go cold.

 

ignite your soul again and burn forever.

 

and I’ll say it until the end of time, I loved you better than any of the rest. And I’m sorry I didn’t know it then.

 

and thank you for loving me better than any of the rest. they try but they don’t know me like you do.

 

and sometimes I think maybe that’s for the best.

 

I’m not that same girl. but I remember her with with a sad respect. she had wounds beyond the scope of normal suffering. I understand them now, but I don’t lick them anymore.

 

I don’t need to.

And its not something I should continue to apologize for. I forgive myself completely. Probably the last person on the long list of people who’ve needed to forgive me for the carnage from the blind suffering I endured.

 

I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve learned

 

really you couldn’t have asked for more

 

thank the beautiful sweet, sexy and scary gods I didn’t…

 

 

who knows how much more I could hold inside this heart.

I’m willing to test my limits though.

 

 

 

#dontbescared

 

 

xx

 

late night love

 

 

 

ohhhh. its been a long, long time. my friend.

 

 

and an even longer time still, for some things.

 

 

cleaning the cobwebs off. I don’t feel much like explaining myself. I just feel like pouring out a bit of this ache into some poetic enchantments so I won’t have to deal with them anymore.

 

 

I miss you so much. But you’re a man who’s left no trace. Its wrong of me now to even think about contacting you. But no one has ever been the same. I don’t think I’ve ever been the same.

 

I thought you were always going to be there. I thought that I could do anything and that was wrong. I thought I could say anything. And that was so wrong. We were so young, and I  needed so much. I still need so much. But I’ve learned to be stronger. I’ve learned that I’ll never get the real thing I’m craving. But I’ll find it in the right places, in other places. And I do.

 

You see, for just about the longest time since I can remember, I’ve been looking for something to satisfy this dull but constant aching in my heart. And I know it sounds so melancholy and dramatic, but its real, just like any kind of back pain or knees or neck, is real. And this pain, I’d dull it down with alcohol, with weed, rolling, trolling, having sex. And when it’d get to be too much I’d lash out, like people do when they’re in pain. And I’d find myself the victim of it, or worse, the people that I really love.

 

Sometimes I’d tell myself that I’m not really in that much pain at all. Just like people with bad backs try to lift things they shouldn’t lift. I’d still try to use my heart and think it wouldn’t break.

 

But it wasn’t healed, and I hadn’t taken care of it. So it was never going to get better unless I tried to leave it alone for a while. Take the time, make the mends, to let it heal on its own.

 

 

In the mean time. Of leaving it alone. The people you love find new people to love. The people you love that you’ve treated like absolute shit get tired of it. Their back doesn’t hurt, they don’t need to take a rest. So they keep lifting, they keep moving.

 

Now that I feel ready to move again. I find out that I am most definitely, one hundred percent, infinity times infinity times, too late.

 

and that just might break my heart all over again.

 

and it does, sometimes, when I sit and think about it.

 

for a lot of different reasons

and in a lot of different ways.

 

But I really can’t be that sad. Because at least now I can move. At least I’m back out of repair. At least I can try to join the others now, a few years behind, but maybe try and catch up.

 

I loved a man who taught me how not to leave a trace. And I try really hard these days to still live the way he taught me. I know that I could never move to rural vermont and be a home body. My life is in my work and I’m doing a damned good job right now getting this all together. I’m just about done on this stupid ass feature that I actually hate. But its important to have something finished. … just to have it…. stupid, I know. But there’s a game to this kind of thing. slowly but surely I’m learning the rules. mostly so I can find out which ones I can disregard…

 

I really just wrote all this because writing you a letter at this point is beyond inappropriate. and maybe there’s a chance somewhere at some point in time and in life that you’ll see this and just know: there is infinite love for you in my heart. forever and ever. you just knew me at a time when I wasn’t ready to love. And now that I am I can’t understand how I ever let you go. In some ways I do, because — like I said, career path and all.. But I feel like you would have stayed by me. It would have been such a more pleasurable path if we were in this together.

 

 

I just miss you like hell, more like heaven I guess.

 

and I never properly grieved your loss because part of me always thought you’d be back.

 

I found out about five months ago though, he had a baby. a boy.

 

 

and I didn’t show it then, but my heart broke for about a week straight after that. because that was when I knew it was done. I don’t know if I ever thought we could get back together. But I just always thought I could see you again. Just feel your presence. Just be near you.

 

Now that I know that’s not something I can ever have… Its difficult to describe the depth of regret I feel for the ways I’ve acted to him.

 

But to regret is to go mad. and to go mad… I’ve already done that. no fun.. ! You taught me so much about how to live. and even more about how to love. You taught me a lot more about those things though, after you left me. And that’s something I want you to know.

 

so I just wanted to say thank you. and that I love you forever. Other men I’ve known, like that fucking loser Big and Prankster Pants and even this new British Bloke…. none of them compare. Really. British Bloke is the closest thing… really… but I’m scared I’m losing him too.

 

 

and see, maybe now that’s where all these feelings have found their way out from.

 

Is it possible to have more than one love of your life? Because I feel I’ve already had mine. Any time I feel a heartache coming on, it always ends with you. But never in a bad way. Its just this bitter sweet despondency that I’ll never get to see you. I’ll never hold you again. I’ll never see your sweet smile and those dimples, oh god. they’d drive me crazy with love.

 

just to stroke my fingers through your hair, or to put my head in the middle of your chest. To hear you laugh. To joke. To sit in silence. To cook dinner. To make out. I don’t know what I’d give.

 

… I don’t know if I’d give anything at all

 

 

I don’t think I’d give my life right now though. I don’t even think I’d give up all those other men I’ve dated. Maybe Big though. He was the nail in the coffin for us, love. And he was a fucking moron. Not even worth it at all.

 

But he was also a catalyst to this new grand adventure I call my life.

 

and so maybe for that I ought to be grateful.

 

I just really miss you tonight. and I want you to know, I still love you. And no matter where life takes the two of us; I always will.

 

xx

 

xo.

 

 

#sorrynotsorry

someone remind me again what the big deal is about weddings?

OH! That’s right. Pinterest.

Fuck You Pinterest. You’re making me feel like a spinster and I’m only 24. WHO THE FUCK NEEDS TO PLAN A WEDDING WHEN YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A BOY WHO ANSWERS YOUR PHONE CALLS.

I’ve decided to try and not put negativity about this relationship into the internet, or even allow it into my mind. But it is so damn hard. Being surrounded by all of this talk, all of this pressure to get in a relationship, to be a pair, to find a good one before they’re all gone, blah blah blah. I keep wishing. I keep praying. I keep waking up and every morning I’m still alone.

So its Amy Winehouse Pandora radio for me today. juss gotta jam this one out.

Love has been more important to me than work, for a good year now. And I think that’s because I’ll always have work. But I won’t always have love. That’s got to be the way I look at it. But that’s not true. Life is long. Love is longer. There’s no limit. There’s no age. There’s no rush.

My best friend is getting married. My very best, lifelong, ride or die, kill a bitch for me, best friend.

We just had her bachelorette party this weekend. She’s been in love with this SAME GUY for TEN YEARS. They’re finally getting married and I couldn’t be happier for them. Naturally I’m a bridesmaid. Naturally I’m the hott mess in the relationship. And Naturally I’m the only single one in the whole goddamned bridal party.

I’m trying not to let my feelings about men and relationships take away from the happiness I have for the two of them. But I find myself holding back vom by every other goddamned girl in the bridal party looking shit up on pinterest and starting every other goddamned sentence with “when I get married” or “at my wedding” or “blah blah blah you’re a lonely bitch”

Just kidding, nobody says that. But it really makes me so sad.

Because I start to think. How the hell am I going to have a guy fall in love with me #1, and #2 how on god’s good green earth are we going to stay happy together for 10+ years?!

I’ve put too much thought and focus on my relationships lately and they really need to just take a back seat. Blame it on the stars, I’m kind of cursed that way. Star crossed lover with just my damned self.

There’s a little Cancerian Crab Man they’re all trying to hook me up with for this wedding and I can’t lie I am a little excited about it. But I have a hard time letting go. I thought me and the Prankster guy were gonna take the world by storm. Jump on a bus and head to Chicago, light fireworks together, be best friends and lovers.

I am really scared that I won’t be able to find that kind of excitement and fulfillment with some one else. I need a guy who can grab me by the hand and take me to the driveway and smash some pumpkins. I need a guy that can fix a tractor.

But I also need a guy who can answer his phone.

maybe one day.

like I said.

life is long.

xx

stories of a loner girl

been chillin

straight up on planet zero. like my own hero. with a cold beer yo.

Actually, I’m trying to cut down on the drinking these days. Its been a little incessant. Writing more, Drinking less.

Inspired by this Retrograde, I’ve taken to editing my latest project. There are really great things in there. Its amazing to see the life I lived a year ago this time, taking shape, names changed but the situations the same. It makes me a little happy nostalgic. And also a little scared. Because I’m scared my life was almost better in a way, a year ago.

Also inspired by this retrograde, severe introspective mind circles. Break them and you’re free. On to the next level. Ready for the next challenge. I am due for an upgrade soon. It feels like. But in reality, I’ve only been entirely on my own for one year, and I’m still alive so I’d say I’m doing pretty well. I did get a little bit of a late start in the game I guess you could say. Skipped the college bit and hustled hard. I did do a lot of bomb theatre though. Acting isn’t my main high anymore though. I’ve become almost too self conscious almost for that.

Isn’t that something strange? I feel I’ve become more self conscious as I age than the other way around. When I was in high school, I was a superstar. I was so sure of my skill. I was that “first name” “last name” kind of girl. And that fueled my fire in a way I never felt before. I really excelled. So I pushed my limits; took AP History even though my grades weren’t high enough, wrote poetry and started a novel. By the end of that school year I had racked up a few academic & creative awards, and outlined my first character breakdowns on the margins of my AP study guides.

A little bit of love can go a long way. And I think that’s the moral of this story here tonight. Because as I grew up, I graduated. I moved on right into the real world. Not a lot of college coddling. I saw the harsh reality that no one cares who you are and doesn’t care how cool your name sounds. They’ll hardly know you by your full name if they even remember that at all.

And if you want to overcome you take it in stride. Let it drive you. First I have to tell myself, I got this with or without ’em. That is the life lesson God keeps giving me. And that’s the life lesson I think I’ve been chronically skipping out on all this time. But this retrograde is here to help them Libras with a special focus on breaking cycles, becoming renewed.

reflect. renew. ride a bicycle.

xp

I’ve realized also I am scared of making a big mistake and pushing a good guy out of my life, jumping to another to heal the <3ache. Prankster Penisface hasn’t left my mind since I broke up with him the first time while he was at work. He didn’t even know I left. I remember I was so sad that day. I took my roses back with me.

We were a little different then. I dropped everything, even my work in a way to be with him. Because I was chasing the attention but like a drug. I got addicted and needed it and spun out real hard when I didn’t have it. Love is a drug, don’t let a motherfucker tell you otherwise. The strongest one I’ve tried to date. And he’s got a really pure strain on his hands.

So lastly, inspired by this retrograde I’ve done some searching for that poor fellow. And I found him again and boom. fireworks. Explosions, mild to moderate burns on both sides. No visible scars.

And I just hope that there’s something more to this. That we can fix the past by building a better future.

just watch the winnebago man.

that guy is hilarious.

xx

#mood

slowly but surely, I am losing my mind.

whether I am surrendering it over to a more intelligent higher power, or wasting it away with html & alcohol. … I don’t really know. either way, …

talk about a pressure cooker.

anybody been in my mind lately? holy shit, you could roast a fucking ham in this thing. it’d take you just minutes!!!!!

OK. SO. life continues on. lessons are always learned. I’m still straddling this line, this line of mine life in between: “#whatthefuckamidoingthisislunacy” andddddd “thisissomewherenearnirvana,too close!jesuscomehelp.”

ha. ha. thanks for deciphering that, if you did. if you didn’t. stop being lazy and try.

I’m legitimately drunk. just like I write all my entries!!!!

I don’t even need brass knuckles. my knuckles are fucking huge.

TGIF.

TODAY. I went to the exBOY TOY PRANKSTER HOUSE. and guess who I see? none other than the two merriest alive. a friend I am fond of and another friend who is …. interesting – unloading things from their van for my dear friend, who is not my boyfriend anymore.

I felt so. trapped. in that relationship. like more than I think I can eloquently describe. I stayed and smoked a bone with them though. they’ve never pushed any kind of control on me. quite the opposite actually. They don’t have any idea that I’ve been up til 3am crying the night before and just choking down tears now, cleaning my stuff out of his closet. I didn’t even tell them anything about the troubles. I just left it at “I’ll see you soon.”

Because… I don’t really know what is happening. I love him. More than Big. I already know that I do. He’s not that cute, he doesn’t have a savings account, no health insurance. but something about him just puts me at ease. … USUALLY. on the other hand he drives me wild to the break of madness with adrenaline and grief when we fight. its the most passion I’ve felt since even before I even knew who Big was. Who by the way, can eternally fuck himself, in the butt.

Do I live for this kind of life? yes. I want it all. but can I really have it and keep my sanity and soul? I don’t know.

I guess that’s what we’re trying to figure out.

I edited my sister’s college admission essay and she didn’t even say thank you. instead she said “I didn’t read it really.” If people don’t appreciate what you do for them. DON’T stop doing those things for them. The world needs more people like you. You’re an angel. you’re selfless, you’re brave. we’re one.

Keep strong

praise your god(s)((ess))(((esses)))

and I love you

xx

big, baby.

Guess who’s back?

Back again.

LIKE CLOCKWORK. I’m not sure what it is with this guy, if I threw a signal up somewhere in the universe. If by saying his full name out loud I conjured him back into my reality. Maybe he could feel a little bit of space opening up in my heart again. Maybe he felt the scars softening. Maybe he was drunk and lonely. But Big’s back in the picture, like always friends.

I haven’t finalized the severance package for the Dead Head yet, but its really on its way. I had a terrible dream about him last night. And I’ve just been feeling that awful kind of drowning feeling when I think of how our lives could be some day. I feel like he just wants a pretty little lap dog to follow him around to all the festivals that he gets in for free. Like, is that supposed to impress me? Because he’s going to just get me in for free and then walk away from me all night – go talk to the other drug lords in the place and act like its all somehow over my head….. -___- I can’t live like that. I’m a panther – like does anyone remember!? I cannot be caged!!

Am I insane? Or is it really possible that maybe Big wants to be with me some day? If I can cut back on the crazy, I think its possible. We have history, and you can’t get rid of history. But you can work through it and overcome anything if you want it bad enough.

He’s got some kind of sick love spell cast on me and I don’t know what it is or why. No one can hypnotize my heart like this. And I do think sometimes, maybe its all in my head. Maybe this sense of security and desire is only on my end. Maybe he just got drunk and wanted a cheap tit pic. WHAT AM I DOING?! I didn’t send any tit pics, its just chit chat. But WHY, are we even chatting?

This is just one of those wild kinds of rides you aren’t able to explain. And you can’t get off, because its just too goddamned rare and interesting to miss out on. I’ve got my seatbelt on this time, so if I crash, at least I’ll be somewhat safe.

til next time.

xx

booze news

welp I’m on my second beer at 3:00.
so let’s see how the fuck this goes.

t.g.i.f

I’ve come up a bit I guess you can say. If you’re into talk of the spiritual kind. I did a. lot. of meditation and healing in Hawaii and I always do work on my spirit when I’m home anyways. Maybe it had nothing to do with the location. Maybe it was just time.

I’ve had some serious epiphanies. And I guess if you’re psycho like me, you have something like one every other day.

one – TCA, needs animation up the ying yang. 21 different sequences to be exact. And that’s flipping fan.tas.tic because that adds WHAT?! about 21. minutes. onto the rn 60min fuxking feature. BOOM.DONE. NEXT ONE?

I’ve been writing again, if you can’t tell.the obnoxiously realized arrogance does it for me. finished on that. thank u.srry.

SPEAKING OF: sorry.

(I’m never finished. you should know that)

I’M NOT. FOR ANYTHING.

I’m not sorry. In case you can’t disregard words written in parenthesis. SEE?! Even still, now, while trying to be a bad ass- accommodating.

Its a blessing and a curse. A lot of things – I might have, are a blessing and a cursing. But I want to just bend over til I break for the people I like – I don’t even have to love. If I love you I’ll die for you. Just like you? Well. I’ll let you know the bullet is coming – REALLY ENTHUSIASTICALLY. but dodge it.

OK. So here we are, drunk already on a Friday afternoon with a  trailer to work on and some scripts to write up. How much do we let people upset us before we have to draw a line in the sand?

I already know I should have drawn it. But today is not the day to say something. Tomorrow? Hah. maybe. Knowing me I will build fantasies in my head about what I can say and then let it all fall into course. Doing nothing, is an option. That is always an option.

And its really good to know your options.

all of them

xx

something special & santa fe

hiatus is over.

at least for today.

sitting in the airpot in ABQ. on my way to Hilo International to see a friend living by the lava. There’s a child screaming thirsty for aqua and one of my lifelong best friends is now a married man.

life is good. I am happy. and I just want to write.

There is a lot to write about. A LOT has happened in the stoner girl diaries. A lot of continued growth to look forward to. I met a True 2the core Merry Prankster like me. Its been incredibly revitalizing. I’ve never met a deadhead who made me so alive. There’s a whole new outlook on life when you have love. When you have unquestionable commitment, understanding, and total acceptance. Its really something special and I’m a lucky girl.

I got a little preview of what a love ceremony looks like. and OMG. it was tear jerkingly beautiful. I sat between two of my very close girlfriends, passing a handkerchief and whimpering like love filled babies. It was just such an experience. The temple, the words, the love, the support and the absolute mayhem and debauchery that ensued shortly after. I’ve got to say – Congratulations Bob & Mischa. You guys are both beautiful on your own, and so, so beautiful together. I wish you a life of happiness and love.

And here I am. About to leave New Mexico Land of Enchantment, on my way to another mystically magical part of our world Hawaii. I told myself when I finished this film I was going to take a long vacation and rediscover the spiritual side of myself and try to make it even stronger. I want to take time and rediscover what I want, what it is that drives my life. I’m not convinced you need to travel in order to do any of this – but it sure as hell helps. Its about high time I got away from it all. I’ve never flown, I’ve never traveled alone. Its liberating.

I also want a tan in January. fvck the haters.

I only spent three days in Santa Fe, but I know what they mean when they call it the Land of Enchantment. There’s something about the soul of the city that has been untouched by time. The combination of Native, Spanish, and modern culture is incredible and balanced. I really, really, had a wonderful time. Connecting back with old friends, watching rituals of love and celebration, and seeing the sunset form the cross of the martyrs on our last night. I feel now like I already know what it is that I really need out of life. And I think its just the same as everybody else. I also think that I’m really, really lucky to know that’s all it really is, and that its so easy to find, and that it is infinite. and that its love.

more adventure awaits.

can’t wait to see what I find.

xx

motorcycle man

 

vroom, vroom baby.

 

ow, ow.

 

 

I was driving to get some gas in my car the other day. And I fell behind this hott piece in traffic. He had on a Patagonia shirt, hiking boots (I’m salivating) His forearms were thick, muscular and tan. He had broad shoulders and he was looking back at me through his rear view mirrors. Then he pulls in to a crowded Citgo.

 

Me being the wimpy little sucker that I am go ahead to the Shell just another second down the strip; kicking myself. I should have pulled in behind him and we could have waited in line together. I should have said hello. He met about four of the 378 requirements on my list, why the hell not.

 

I finished getting gas and I told myself – drive back and see if he’s still there you little sissy. and you go say hello, buy a soda in the gas station and check him out (I was looking good too, heels, a mini dress & I had put makeup on that morning) So I drive back. And I slow down when I come to the gas station he is at. And I see him, with his helmet off.

 

Gray hair, balding, beer gut, same ride, same t-shirt, same fucking hiking boots.

 

not my man.

 

not the man I had in my head.

 

 

This is a funny story. Kind of. But it really made me think. We build up so much of what we want into something that we don’t even have. We imagine what isn’t there and convince ourselves, that maybe it is coming, maybe we just have to do something to bring it out. That if we believe in it hard enough, eventually it will come true.

 

it doesn’t.

 

that’s the cold hard truth.

 

Of course this brings me back to Big. I’ve been thinking of him practically nonstop since he answered me back on Skype and we’ve had like three sentences of conversation over a month. shoot. me. please. blow out this idiot brain. I can’t do it myself because I think that’d be a talent lost. so someone else please kill me.

 

 

I’m not going to see him in September, I know that already. I probably won’t even be traveling in September, because I hope my asian friend gets back into school and shit. I need to travel though. But I’m not going to seek him out again – the bridge is built back, but he doesn’t want to trim the thorns on his side of it. so fucking leave them. I’ll grow mine, turn that shit into fucking roses. Find a troll or something to guard my side of that bridge. Because that’s exactly what this is – one huge fantastical fairy tale fantasy.

 

I’ve seen it for myself, again and again and again. He’s not a solid dude, he’s not someone you can rely on, not somebody you’d want to be your “go-to”. But I’ve convinced myself that if he just takes a hit of that true love drug I’ve been sipping on; he’ll morph into that some day. That one day once his senses are awakened and he realizes what a prize I’d be, he’ll gallop on in with a fucking motorcycle and scoop me up and take me away to the mountains where we could hunt and fish and smoke a lot of weed for the rest of our days. happily ever after.

 

There isn’t a magic love drug, except molly, and that shit only lasts four hours.

 

soooooo. here we are, awake from dreamland ladies and gents. its been a fun time and a very bumpy ride. I’m sure I’ll look back and want to revisit. But I can’t. Want to know why? Want to know the real true gritty raw and reason why?

 

If he left her. What’d stop him from leaving me?

 

He left his daughter and the mother of that girl. So if you can do that, and do it twice?! I’ve just been mad in a mad madness my friends, and I’m drowsy, but rubbing my eyes, waking up. 

 

I just didn’t want to. I think it goes without saying, that he can ride a bike. 

 

But didn’t we all just learn something about that?

 

vroom, vroom baby.

 

 

xx

 

 

 

 

no title this time

 

 

I just don’t feel like it.

 

All I’d really want to name it anyways is “going off the rails on a crazy train” and that doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. So good thing I didn’t really call it that because that’d pretty much sum it all up & I’d have nothing left to write about.  

 

But that’s just exactly how I’m feeling. I’m on board a train ladies and gentlemen. And it is a crazy one. I am going off the rails on a crazy train.

 

lol. I hope you all get the dry sarcasm here. ozzy, ozzy ozbourne anyone?

 

now I should just call the damned post that.

 

 

Kickstarter video is coming ladies & gents. coming real soon. I love that Alligator guy on my website. I’m scared. I know the bagheads are the worst video quality possible – character choice. I’m scared that my mind is out there on the internet. I’m scared for people to see it and not like it. BUT THATS LIFE. AND PEOPLE WON’T. some people will. some people will probably not give a shit. 

 

and still, life goes on. 

 

There are plenty of successful businesses out there that I don’t know about, that I probably don’t give a shit about. There are plenty of huge corporations that I actually hate and completely loathe, but look at them, sweeping in a paycheck.

 

Customer satisfaction is a huge priority to me. That, and the limitless expression and reach that the internet lends.

 

next stop on that crazy train!!

 

Got my mother.fucking.harominca. back. Slapped the fez in the face and he deserved it. It was not so much an act of anger from me, but an act of “wake the fuck up” from god. I was merely a pawn in his plan… But really, wake the fuck up dude. enough.

 

I like to break up with guys in groups of two now. so I also blocked Big on Skype. I’m an asshole, a belligerent idiot and if I got drunk one more time and messaged him without a response I was probably going to kill myself. Even though jumping out of the second story window would probably just cause a horrible scene and I’d only break my legs…. I decided to just block him, delete fez from my life (don’t have that suckers # memorized, hah!) and just carry on, tighten up that inner circle, you know?

 

tighten up dis ship.

 

dat train doe….

off the rails

 

xx