slowly but surely, I am losing my mind.
whether I am surrendering it over to a more intelligent higher power, or wasting it away with html & alcohol. … I don’t really know. either way, …
talk about a pressure cooker.
anybody been in my mind lately? holy shit, you could roast a fucking ham in this thing. it’d take you just minutes!!!!!
OK. SO. life continues on. lessons are always learned. I’m still straddling this line, this line of mine life in between: “#whatthefuckamidoingthisislunacy” andddddd “thisissomewherenearnirvana,too close!jesuscomehelp.”
ha. ha. thanks for deciphering that, if you did. if you didn’t. stop being lazy and try.
I’m legitimately drunk. just like I write all my entries!!!!
I don’t even need brass knuckles. my knuckles are fucking huge.
TODAY. I went to the exBOY TOY PRANKSTER HOUSE. and guess who I see? none other than the two merriest alive. a friend I am fond of and another friend who is …. interesting – unloading things from their van for my dear friend, who is not my boyfriend anymore.
I felt so. trapped. in that relationship. like more than I think I can eloquently describe. I stayed and smoked a bone with them though. they’ve never pushed any kind of control on me. quite the opposite actually. They don’t have any idea that I’ve been up til 3am crying the night before and just choking down tears now, cleaning my stuff out of his closet. I didn’t even tell them anything about the troubles. I just left it at “I’ll see you soon.”
Because… I don’t really know what is happening. I love him. More than Big. I already know that I do. He’s not that cute, he doesn’t have a savings account, no health insurance. but something about him just puts me at ease. … USUALLY. on the other hand he drives me wild to the break of madness with adrenaline and grief when we fight. its the most passion I’ve felt since even before I even knew who Big was. Who by the way, can eternally fuck himself, in the butt.
Do I live for this kind of life? yes. I want it all. but can I really have it and keep my sanity and soul? I don’t know.
I guess that’s what we’re trying to figure out.
I edited my sister’s college admission essay and she didn’t even say thank you. instead she said “I didn’t read it really.” If people don’t appreciate what you do for them. DON’T stop doing those things for them. The world needs more people like you. You’re an angel. you’re selfless, you’re brave. we’re one.
praise your god(s)((ess))(((esses)))
and I love you