it took a few days to recover, but I’ve been dealt worse blows than this.
despite it all, I still believe in love. I still think you’re out there. at this hour. maybe even thinking about me. Somewhere in a bar with glitter on your face. Your hair and your clothes covered in your sweet sweat and your voice deep and soft, talking to a friend or someone you’ve just met about something brilliant or removed.
I dreamt about you last night… again. Sometimes in bed I ask my mind to see you in my dreams. Usually it works. You had a woman on your arm this time. Someone I’ve met. She cast a spell to keep you at her side. But you didn’t want to be there. You were talking to another girl, through text that I saw in my dream. Someone I had never heard of. You were pleading to her, to get away from this one who holds you captive in her seemingly passive but severe & supernatural grip.
I don’t know if I’m an option anymore, but in my dreams you still watch me. When I ask for you, you still come to me.
so maybe. we’ll see.
But I’ve got to say I’m so tired of waiting. I just want to wake up next to someone near the beach and be in love.
Nigerian Prince shit the bed faster than you could change the sheets. I knew the mistake we made before we made it, and all the while while we made it. but we gave in to the carnal kind of pleasure we both wanted, before we knew a thing about each others’ soul. it left us wanting and surrounded by a false sense of intimacy, which lead to a feeling of duty and a heavy burden of pretense and commitment. We both ran from it with our heads still turned back looking towards each other.
What could have been? What if we waited?
Maybe it’d be the same as where we stand now. separate and silent. our heads buried too deep into our personal pursuits for success that we’re blind to the notion of settling down.
But baby, I don’t want to settle down. I want to soar.
I’d love to have someone at my side for that ride, you know.
I saw a photo of my first love and his eyes looked tired. that kind of broke my heart. please don’t tell me that you let your dreams die inside those sleepy hills and please don’t tell me you’ve laid yourself down beside those mountains and surrendered yourself to rest.
because when I knew you there was a fire that burned too bright even for me. and that was something I loved most.
I think it was something even she might have loved most. so for your family, don’t let the coals go cold.
ignite your soul again and burn forever.
and I’ll say it until the end of time, I loved you better than any of the rest. And I’m sorry I didn’t know it then.
and thank you for loving me better than any of the rest. they try but they don’t know me like you do.
and sometimes I think maybe that’s for the best.
I’m not that same girl. but I remember her with with a sad respect. she had wounds beyond the scope of normal suffering. I understand them now, but I don’t lick them anymore.
I don’t need to.
And its not something I should continue to apologize for. I forgive myself completely. Probably the last person on the long list of people who’ve needed to forgive me for the carnage from the blind suffering I endured.
I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve learned
really you couldn’t have asked for more
thank the beautiful sweet, sexy and scary gods I didn’t…
who knows how much more I could hold inside this heart.
I’m willing to test my limits though.