relationships, social media

the sound of silence

hello darkness my old friend.

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I’ve come to blog with you again.

with the sound, of silence.

LOVE IT.

Call it a crime to my generation, but I really don’t know how to live proper in the social media world. I’m really just way too self-critical/introspective I think for that. Not riding on a high horse. just high. But I mean more along the lines of, anything I post turns into instant anxiety, and all I do is watch from the sidelines while my friends take on the 9th dimension of the world – the internet. social meeds. like wtf guise. idk how I’m supposed to akt.

It just makes me feel weird having people all up in my business. That’s why I keep this for the most part anonymous. The only person who really knows about this blog in my close circle is my Korean Attorney. And, you know, that’s for necessary legal reasons and all.

I read this study, that was all about posting on social media. And whatever you do post most about, and see, write, you will begin to believe about yourself. So post great things and you’ll experience great things!!!!!

LIFE!

what a fucking mind trip man.

what a fucking world.

I love it. I’ve gone away from the internet presence lately because I read a book on Merlin. I’ve been working hard on my spiritual side. Reference, “Eat, Pray, Weed” to tickle your fancy. Maybe “Spirit Animal” too, if you’re into that.

So I decided to dip my toes in a little bit and I’ve waded them past the surface.

Naturally it just took me away from being online. I did that actually a long time ago. But it wasn’t really something I even wanted to do at first. My Ex-Boyfriend- the only man I’ll ever give that true title to (so far!) was actually really into the soul travels and astral planes. And I was twenty just looking to smoke some weed outside in the garage and write The Anomie, like a mini punk rock femme Hunter S. Thompson, all freaked out.

I mean, I’m still like Hunter S. Thompson, all freaked out.. and writing.. and trying to smoke weed in peace…

I’M A FUCKING JOURNALIST MAN, LEAVE ME ALONE.

^ _^

But he unplugged. Then he unplugged me. And then I was like “wait wtf do I do now?” I adjusted. Big things like that. I realize now you have to want to do that. Otherwise you’ll resent the person who coaxed you in to it. Didn’t even coax really. More like we were living together and he decided since he was paying for the internet bill, he didn’t really want it anymore (mostly for the reason that he thought he spent too much time on social media). From then on, we deleted our face books and went to the library or a place with wifi when we wanted to get online.

This was almost five years ago! I’ve been “offline” for the most part I think since then. And I’ve kind of drifted back in to using it with the last guy I was seeing because he used it. (You sensing the pattern here? clever devils. ;) Now that Prankster Penisbreath (love u too sw33th3art) is OUTTA THE PICTURE. what do I do now?

what.. do.. I.. do.. now.. ?

its just me and my own damned self. and you know what the craziest thing is……

I almost didn’t know for a minute.

I almost don’t know now.

But I do know, I’ve kept writing. That is the one thing, no matter who I have been with, what I have done, the things I have seen, the fucking wild ass crazy places I’ve been. I’ve kept writing. Because the ideas keep coming. And I pray more than I even pray for love, that the ideas never stop coming.

I’ve pick up a few more cool habits since I last logged in. One is the motherfreaking circus. I joke with my daddios that now it is a legitimate option for me, to quit my life as a regular functioning member of society and join the circus.

I have got to say. I have got to say. That on a bad day….

it’s a pretty tempting option.

watch the silks get slain:

stay fierce, my friends

be brave

xx

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alternative

boss b!tch

word to the wise ladies ; men are delicate creatures. with more of an ego than ours would like to give them credit for.

compromise. its the golden ticket. and patience. that’s the holy grail for me right there.

my new phone doesn’t have autocorrect and that is really fucking with me. The Fourth of July happened and it was Merry, Merry Magical. There’s an open spot in my heart for a man on a golf cart. I’ve been trying to close it. But something bigger than me like the fucking universe or some shit, is keeping it open. So whatever. I’ll wait. Wait and see, wait and see.

I’m trying to run away to the circus I think, sometime soon. I won’t be going anywhere. But I’ll definitely be joining the circus. I don’t even care about ruining my anonymity anymore. I’m not that sure anybody even reads this shit anyhow. So word to the cool, I found my stage name and I’ll be going by the super fabulous, mystic trickster name of Merry Magick.

watch the pretty boys eat their hearts out while I spin upside down.

I’m not sure exactly what to do at this stage in the game where I am right now. And I’d say if anything, giving up is not an option. What is it I want to give up on though? I have a window for love and forever for freedom? But believe it or not at almost 25, there’s seriously still a question in my heart… What do I choose? Security or adventure?

Either way, can I be satisfied?

I don’t know what to do. But sometimes I wish I didn’t know so much shit about astrology and all that, because then I wouldn’t really already have an idea about what’s going to happen. Haha! But I am, and I do. That magick has a K on the end of it, for a reason after all. And I don’t fuck around with posers.

But like I said- men are much more delicate than we…erhm,… I.. would like to think they are…

So patience, little grasshopper (meaning me.)

You’ll get to the end of your rainbow when you’re meant to get there.

so stfu & think nothing but love

xx

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alternative living, serverprobs

independence weekend

happy fourth of july weekend you sons of bitches.

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hope you all have a very merry weekend .

I’m off to a good start, calling out of work last minute with a bullshit food poisoning excuse. If you tell a restaurant manager you’ve been throwing up- you cant work. Best excuse. Nobody can refute it.

We were going to be way overstaffed anyways. I did all those other kids a favor calling out. I’m sure they’ll come to their senses and thank me later.

Til then I’m sticking with my story about malos pescados and food poisoning from a mezcal bar. Because fourth of July is my favorite holiday and itd be blasphemous to spend it any other way than this.

I’ve got to go buy myself a large package of explosives and a kiddie pool and I’ll be on my merry way.

Stay beautiful, stay adventurous

and dont vote for Hilary Clinton, please! She’ll kill us all with natural gas and corporate extorsions.

stay free

xx

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single girl probs

#sorrynotsorry

someone remind me again what the big deal is about weddings?

fuckpinterest

OH! That’s right. Pinterest.

Fuck You Pinterest. You’re making me feel like a spinster and I’m only 24. WHO THE FUCK NEEDS TO PLAN A WEDDING WHEN YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A BOY WHO ANSWERS YOUR PHONE CALLS.

I’ve decided to try and not put negativity about this relationship into the internet, or even allow it into my mind. But it is so damn hard. Being surrounded by all of this talk, all of this pressure to get in a relationship, to be a pair, to find a good one before they’re all gone, blah blah blah. I keep wishing. I keep praying. I keep waking up and every morning I’m still alone.

So its Amy Winehouse Pandora radio for me today. juss gotta jam this one out.

Love has been more important to me than work, for a good year now. And I think that’s because I’ll always have work. But I won’t always have love. That’s got to be the way I look at it. But that’s not true. Life is long. Love is longer. There’s no limit. There’s no age. There’s no rush.

My best friend is getting married. My very best, lifelong, ride or die, kill a bitch for me, best friend.

We just had her bachelorette party this weekend. She’s been in love with this SAME GUY for TEN YEARS. They’re finally getting married and I couldn’t be happier for them. Naturally I’m a bridesmaid. Naturally I’m the hott mess in the relationship. And Naturally I’m the only single one in the whole goddamned bridal party.

I’m trying not to let my feelings about men and relationships take away from the happiness I have for the two of them. But I find myself holding back vom by every other goddamned girl in the bridal party looking shit up on pinterest and starting every other goddamned sentence with “when I get married” or “at my wedding” or “blah blah blah you’re a lonely bitch”

Just kidding, nobody says that. But it really makes me so sad.

Because I start to think. How the hell am I going to have a guy fall in love with me #1, and #2 how on god’s good green earth are we going to stay happy together for 10+ years?!

I’ve put too much thought and focus on my relationships lately and they really need to just take a back seat. Blame it on the stars, I’m kind of cursed that way. Star crossed lover with just my damned self.

There’s a little Cancerian Crab Man they’re all trying to hook me up with for this wedding and I can’t lie I am a little excited about it. But I have a hard time letting go. I thought me and the Prankster guy were gonna take the world by storm. Jump on a bus and head to Chicago, light fireworks together, be best friends and lovers.

I am really scared that I won’t be able to find that kind of excitement and fulfillment with some one else. I need a guy who can grab me by the hand and take me to the driveway and smash some pumpkins. I need a guy that can fix a tractor.

But I also need a guy who can answer his phone.

maybe one day.

like I said.

life is long.

xx

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alternative living

stories of a loner girl

been chillin

straight up on planet zero. like my own hero. with a cold beer yo.

Actually, I’m trying to cut down on the drinking these days. Its been a little incessant. Writing more, Drinking less.

Inspired by this Retrograde, I’ve taken to editing my latest project. There are really great things in there. Its amazing to see the life I lived a year ago this time, taking shape, names changed but the situations the same. It makes me a little happy nostalgic. And also a little scared. Because I’m scared my life was almost better in a way, a year ago.

Also inspired by this retrograde, severe introspective mind circles. Break them and you’re free. On to the next level. Ready for the next challenge. I am due for an upgrade soon. It feels like. But in reality, I’ve only been entirely on my own for one year, and I’m still alive so I’d say I’m doing pretty well. I did get a little bit of a late start in the game I guess you could say. Skipped the college bit and hustled hard. I did do a lot of bomb theatre though. Acting isn’t my main high anymore though. I’ve become almost too self conscious almost for that.

Isn’t that something strange? I feel I’ve become more self conscious as I age than the other way around. When I was in high school, I was a superstar. I was so sure of my skill. I was that “first name” “last name” kind of girl. And that fueled my fire in a way I never felt before. I really excelled. So I pushed my limits; took AP History even though my grades weren’t high enough, wrote poetry and started a novel. By the end of that school year I had racked up a few academic & creative awards, and outlined my first character breakdowns on the margins of my AP study guides.

A little bit of love can go a long way. And I think that’s the moral of this story here tonight. Because as I grew up, I graduated. I moved on right into the real world. Not a lot of college coddling. I saw the harsh reality that no one cares who you are and doesn’t care how cool your name sounds. They’ll hardly know you by your full name if they even remember that at all.

And if you want to overcome you take it in stride. Let it drive you. First I have to tell myself, I got this with or without ’em. That is the life lesson God keeps giving me. And that’s the life lesson I think I’ve been chronically skipping out on all this time. But this retrograde is here to help them Libras with a special focus on breaking cycles, becoming renewed.

reflect. renew. ride a bicycle.

xp

I’ve realized also I am scared of making a big mistake and pushing a good guy out of my life, jumping to another to heal the <3ache. Prankster Penisface hasn’t left my mind since I broke up with him the first time while he was at work. He didn’t even know I left. I remember I was so sad that day. I took my roses back with me.

We were a little different then. I dropped everything, even my work in a way to be with him. Because I was chasing the attention but like a drug. I got addicted and needed it and spun out real hard when I didn’t have it. Love is a drug, don’t let a motherfucker tell you otherwise. The strongest one I’ve tried to date. And he’s got a really pure strain on his hands.

So lastly, inspired by this retrograde I’ve done some searching for that poor fellow. And I found him again and boom. fireworks. Explosions, mild to moderate burns on both sides. No visible scars.

And I just hope that there’s something more to this. That we can fix the past by building a better future.

just watch the winnebago man.

that guy is hilarious.

xx

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Uncategorized

#mood

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slowly but surely, I am losing my mind.

whether I am surrendering it over to a more intelligent higher power, or wasting it away with html & alcohol. … I don’t really know. either way, …

talk about a pressure cooker.

anybody been in my mind lately? holy shit, you could roast a fucking ham in this thing. it’d take you just minutes!!!!!

OK. SO. life continues on. lessons are always learned. I’m still straddling this line, this line of mine life in between: “#whatthefuckamidoingthisislunacy” andddddd “thisissomewherenearnirvana,too close!jesuscomehelp.”

ha. ha. thanks for deciphering that, if you did. if you didn’t. stop being lazy and try.

I’m legitimately drunk. just like I write all my entries!!!!

I don’t even need brass knuckles. my knuckles are fucking huge.

TGIF.

TODAY. I went to the exBOY TOY PRANKSTER HOUSE. and guess who I see? none other than the two merriest alive. a friend I am fond of and another friend who is …. interesting – unloading things from their van for my dear friend, who is not my boyfriend anymore.

I felt so. trapped. in that relationship. like more than I think I can eloquently describe. I stayed and smoked a bone with them though. they’ve never pushed any kind of control on me. quite the opposite actually. They don’t have any idea that I’ve been up til 3am crying the night before and just choking down tears now, cleaning my stuff out of his closet. I didn’t even tell them anything about the troubles. I just left it at “I’ll see you soon.”

Because… I don’t really know what is happening. I love him. More than Big. I already know that I do. He’s not that cute, he doesn’t have a savings account, no health insurance. but something about him just puts me at ease. … USUALLY. on the other hand he drives me wild to the break of madness with adrenaline and grief when we fight. its the most passion I’ve felt since even before I even knew who Big was. Who by the way, can eternally fuck himself, in the butt.

Do I live for this kind of life? yes. I want it all. but can I really have it and keep my sanity and soul? I don’t know.

I guess that’s what we’re trying to figure out.

I edited my sister’s college admission essay and she didn’t even say thank you. instead she said “I didn’t read it really.” If people don’t appreciate what you do for them. DON’T stop doing those things for them. The world needs more people like you. You’re an angel. you’re selfless, you’re brave. we’re one.

Keep strong

praise your god(s)((ess))(((esses)))

and I love you

xx

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alternative

quarter life cri$is

$hit

Obviously, I’m in a quarter life crisis. And so in the midst of this I’ve ordered takeout for the second night in a row. On my way out of rehearsal I call it in to the authentic as fvck irish pub on the corner. I drive. I burn. I wait in the parking lot.

I always get high and try to convince myself that I’m actually not hungry. I needed to eat dinner. But I try to convince myself the burger is a bad idea:
“i totally just have beans and broccoli I heat up.”

“what ever happened to eating clean?”

this is the second day in a row man.”

“you can totally just drive away right now and forget it.”

needless to say I faced my fears and exited the vehicle.

I walked into the pub and was transported immediately into a small town in Ireland where an 8 piece string band was playing. The bartender recognized me because I’ve turned down a few men there in his presence. The waitress had the thickest Irish accent, red curly hair, name was probably Sarah. I was all like. “how did I transport through time.” and she was all like, “thank you, here’s your burger.” tipped her and left.

Its a true sin and a shame against my fathers’ country that I did not stay and enjoy a guinness with this amazing masterpiece of Irish pub food. Good God. Praise the motherlands.

Speaking of motherlands, what the fuck does that even mean.

QUARTER L!FE CRI$!S, CRY ISIS.

BTW, ANiiBODY KNOW WTF THE fcc !$??!?

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“REGULATING” INTERNET. thanks america. How dem tit pics?

ANIIWAZE: ;[

;p
I’ve been playing that whole comparison game with what I imagine other people who graduated high school with are doing. Obviously I imagine they all are doing dramatically better than me. But I think that might be dramatically contradictory. I’m 24 and I’ve already done pretty much everything I’ve really set my mind to. I’ve explored my soul a pretty fair amount. I’ve traveled moderately. I can do the crow pose, so there’s that. I also now own a version of Final Draft and I’m on the Adobe Suite. I’ve completed a nearly total feature. So there’s also that. I guess you could say I’m a moderate professional.

where’s da dough at doe?

not at my expressionistic ass its not.

TCA turned out to be a whirlwind of amotherfuckeridkwtf is it even is anymore. so its just going to be a fcksin daydream.

got me there, i can still get you there.

But honestly, and especially with regards to this creatively adventurous, increasingly terrifying lifestyle choice, idea thing, I wonder from time to time, more oftener now during my quarter life crisis, if my soul is one cut out for this sort of whirlwind. And then I think yes. I think fuck yes.

So what if this first film was a hiccup that came with a little bit of puke. THAT’S ALRIGHT. there’s a steep learning curve here – being it was a two man show trying to put jello through a cheese grater. just, why, and, how, and, too, many, commas. So what if I’m a bridesmaid in one of my best friend’s wedding and in the throws of a sometimes ok and something emotionally unstable relationship. THAT’S OK. Honestly, its strangely exciting and mildly dangerous. I  have been really lucky to be, able, to explore, myself, do, you, see, what, I-…. funny. So what if I go back to waitressing. I think that’s exactly what is going to inspire and BREATHE LIFE into my next project.!!!!!!!!! THAT’S GREAT.

not so bad.

not even halfway there.

xx

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