love, Uncategorized

late night love

 

 

 

ohhhh. its been a long, long time. my friend.

 

 

and an even longer time still, for some things.

 

 

cleaning the cobwebs off. I don’t feel much like explaining myself. I just feel like pouring out a bit of this ache into some poetic enchantments so I won’t have to deal with them anymore.

 

 

I miss you so much. But you’re a man who’s left no trace. Its wrong of me now to even think about contacting you. But no one has ever been the same. I don’t think I’ve ever been the same.

 

I thought you were always going to be there. I thought that I could do anything and that was wrong. I thought I could say anything. And that was so wrong. We were so young, and I ┬áneeded so much. I still need so much. But I’ve learned to be stronger. I’ve learned that I’ll never get the real thing I’m craving. But I’ll find it in the right places, in other places. And I do.

 

You see, for just about the longest time since I can remember, I’ve been looking for something to satisfy this dull but constant aching in my heart. And I know it sounds so melancholy and dramatic, but its real, just like any kind of back pain or knees or neck, is real. And this pain, I’d dull it down with alcohol, with weed, rolling, trolling, having sex. And when it’d get to be too much I’d lash out, like people do when they’re in pain. And I’d find myself the victim of it, or worse, the people that I really love.

 

Sometimes I’d tell myself that I’m not really in that much pain at all. Just like people with bad backs try to lift things they shouldn’t lift. I’d still try to use my heart and think it wouldn’t break.

 

But it wasn’t healed, and I hadn’t taken care of it. So it was never going to get better unless I tried to leave it alone for a while. Take the time, make the mends, to let it heal on its own.

 

 

In the mean time. Of leaving it alone. The people you love find new people to love. The people you love that you’ve treated like absolute shit get tired of it. Their back doesn’t hurt, they don’t need to take a rest. So they keep lifting, they keep moving.

 

Now that I feel ready to move again. I find out that I am most definitely, one hundred percent, infinity times infinity times, too late.

 

and that just might break my heart all over again.

 

and it does, sometimes, when I sit and think about it.

 

for a lot of different reasons

and in a lot of different ways.

 

But I really can’t be that sad. Because at least now I can move. At least I’m back out of repair. At least I can try to join the others now, a few years behind, but maybe try and catch up.

 

I loved a man who taught me how not to leave a trace. And I try really hard these days to still live the way he taught me. I know that I could never move to rural vermont and be a home body. My life is in my work and I’m doing a damned good job right now getting this all together. I’m just about done on this stupid ass feature that I actually hate. But its important to have something finished. … just to have it…. stupid, I know. But there’s a game to this kind of thing. slowly but surely I’m learning the rules. mostly so I can find out which ones I can disregard…

 

I really just wrote all this because writing you a letter at this point is beyond inappropriate. and maybe there’s a chance somewhere at some point in time and in life that you’ll see this and just know: there is infinite love for you in my heart. forever and ever. you just knew me at a time when I wasn’t ready to love. And now that I am I can’t understand how I ever let you go. In some ways I do, because — like I said, career path and all.. But I feel like you would have stayed by me. It would have been such a more pleasurable path if we were in this together.

 

 

I just miss you like hell, more like heaven I guess.

 

and I never properly grieved your loss because part of me always thought you’d be back.

 

I found out about five months ago though, he had a baby. a boy.

 

 

and I didn’t show it then, but my heart broke for about a week straight after that. because that was when I knew it was done. I don’t know if I ever thought we could get back together. But I just always thought I could see you again. Just feel your presence. Just be near you.

 

Now that I know that’s not something I can ever have… Its difficult to describe the depth of regret I feel for the ways I’ve acted to him.

 

But to regret is to go mad. and to go mad… I’ve already done that. no fun.. ! You taught me so much about how to live. and even more about how to love. You taught me a lot more about those things though, after you left me. And that’s something I want you to know.

 

so I just wanted to say thank you. and that I love you forever. Other men I’ve known, like that fucking loser Big and Prankster Pants and even this new British Bloke…. none of them compare. Really. British Bloke is the closest thing… really… but I’m scared I’m losing him too.

 

 

and see, maybe now that’s where all these feelings have found their way out from.

 

Is it possible to have more than one love of your life? Because I feel I’ve already had mine. Any time I feel a heartache coming on, it always ends with you. But never in a bad way. Its just this bitter sweet despondency that I’ll never get to see you. I’ll never hold you again. I’ll never see your sweet smile and those dimples, oh god. they’d drive me crazy with love.

 

just to stroke my fingers through your hair, or to put my head in the middle of your chest. To hear you laugh. To joke. To sit in silence. To cook dinner. To make out. I don’t know what I’d give.

 

… I don’t know if I’d give anything at all

 

 

I don’t think I’d give my life right now though. I don’t even think I’d give up all those other men I’ve dated. Maybe Big though. He was the nail in the coffin for us, love. And he was a fucking moron. Not even worth it at all.

 

But he was also a catalyst to this new grand adventure I call my life.

 

and so maybe for that I ought to be grateful.

 

I just really miss you tonight. and I want you to know, I still love you. And no matter where life takes the two of us; I always will.

 

xx

 

xo.

 

 

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alternative, sustainability

ttyn

I quit my waitressing job over text message. Pissed a lot of people off.

Burnt a bridge, but its better that way. That place was a full blown shit show.

Its the holiday season and that has got me increasingly aggravated as the days go by. My dear mother has been up my ass about my shoe size and that makes me mad because it means she’s buying me shoes when I don’t need shoes. She’s already taken the liberty to buy me a bedset in her taste; which is a mix of Martha Stewart and old victorian glamour.

I know I must sound so ungrateful. But every year I ask her- please don’t get me any junk. I only want things I need. But without fail, every year I go home with a car full of junk that I end up returning, regifting or donating.

It gives me agita.

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You know what else is giving me agita?!?# This weather!!! IDK where you live, but here in CT it isn’t supposed to be 60degrees in December.

I went for a walk in the warm woods and I was getting mad. I was so dissapointed in the government, prior generations; that they let the world get this way. That its December and its warm as fuck, and nobody even cares because we’re too busy buying shit.

I was behind a slow ass old lady in the grocery store and she was commenting on how “beautiful” this weather was and how “anything is better than snow”. Now I’m not a huge fan of snow, because it requires shoveling, which requires movement. But c’monnnn. GLOBAL WARMING is not a blessing. If we keep on making comments like this we’re all doomed.

I got to thinking, what can I do? How can I combat this ignorant train of thought.

First off, I can stop getting so irritated. Because that only puts out negativity and that only perpetuates a negative cycle.

Second off, whenever I hear a stupid ass comment about this weather being “beautiful” I can smile and say, “oh sure, you know what else is beautiful? The rising sea levels, irregular weather patterns and fucked up bird migrations.” or “you know if you like this warm weather so much, I hear hell is a great place for your kind.”

eh. something like that…

happy holidays.

xx

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alternative media, writing

writers block

GAH FUCK.

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my brain iz broke.

Can’t write. Can’t think. Can’t live. So I’m taking to the internet to scrape out the residual gunk that may be clogging up the creative freeway.

TRAFFICK IN THE MIND. RUSH HOUR. WATCH OUT.

I’ve been up to a lot of no good lately. And its been really fun. This newest project I’ve taken on is taking off slowly but surely. Next step is I need some sugar mommies and daddies with deep pockets who live in the city and want to invest in a Hunter S. knockoff from Connecticut.

Sometimes though this inspo hits a little close to home. Its kicked up some old feelings that really aren’t pleasant. Necessary evils though, right? That’s how you make the real shit. Feel it.

Its just that, living in such a hyper connected world makes me want to unplug forever and live under a rock. I’m learning though, for the life I essentially want, that’s impossible. I’ve learned I’m actually really behind on most of it and I need to step up my online presence to get competitive. Its not cute to be a recluse when you’re trying to sell yourself.

IDK. maybe it is. I wish it was…

Maybe I can try to make it fashionable.

Its discouraging though. Because like I said – to be competitive, you need to be out there. People live on their phones. Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, Tinder, whatever else you use… Whatever you see on the screen. That’s your reality, that’s what you’re feeding your mind.

So if you’re. just. not. there. who is going to remember you?

How is that super cute bassist from a band that lives a state away going to get to know you if you don’t post every other day what you look like or what you’re eating, art that you’ve seen, nature you’ve experienced. He’s not!! He’s going to be absorbed in who ever else’s posts he sees.

Yeah. that’s been blocking up a lot in my mind.

Because I really want him to get to know me. But I don’t know how to live my life online. But if I have to live my life online to get his attention, is it really worth having?

Prankster Prince is back in the picture – Holy Yeezus West, seriously I cannot take my own advice. I tell people make clean breaks, but I am the Queen of Holding On Too Long.

I guess it just feels nice, to be appreciated in person. For someone to be able to see me, to understand me, without referencing a profile.

Because the good gods know I’m not about to win anybody new over anytime soon. So is it what I want because its comfortable, or is it comfortable because its what I want?

Gah. Fuck.

But what do I need?

Less noise.

xx

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relationships, social media

the sound of silence

hello darkness my old friend.

f993fa63015d62aee59acdb63f336f05

I’ve come to blog with you again.

with the sound, of silence.

LOVE IT.

Call it a crime to my generation, but I really don’t know how to live proper in the social media world. I’m really just way too self-critical/introspective I think for that. Not riding on a high horse. just high. But I mean more along the lines of, anything I post turns into instant anxiety, and all I do is watch from the sidelines while my friends take on the 9th dimension of the world – the internet. social meeds. like wtf guise. idk how I’m supposed to akt.

It just makes me feel weird having people all up in my business. That’s why I keep this for the most part anonymous. The only person who really knows about this blog in my close circle is my Korean Attorney. And, you know, that’s for necessary legal reasons and all.

I read this study, that was all about posting on social media. And whatever you do post most about, and see, write, you will begin to believe about yourself. So post great things and you’ll experience great things!!!!!

LIFE!

what a fucking mind trip man.

what a fucking world.

I love it. I’ve gone away from the internet presence lately because I read a book on Merlin. I’ve been working hard on my spiritual side. Reference, “Eat, Pray, Weed” to tickle your fancy. Maybe “Spirit Animal” too, if you’re into that.

So I decided to dip my toes in a little bit and I’ve waded them past the surface.

Naturally it just took me away from being online. I did that actually a long time ago. But it wasn’t really something I even wanted to do at first. My Ex-Boyfriend- the only man I’ll ever give that true title to (so far!) was actually really into the soul travels and astral planes. And I was twenty just looking to smoke some weed outside in the garage and write The Anomie, like a mini punk rock femme Hunter S. Thompson, all freaked out.

I mean, I’m still like Hunter S. Thompson, all freaked out.. and writing.. and trying to smoke weed in peace…

I’M A FUCKING JOURNALIST MAN, LEAVE ME ALONE.

^ _^

But he unplugged. Then he unplugged me. And then I was like “wait wtf do I do now?” I adjusted. Big things like that. I realize now you have to want to do that. Otherwise you’ll resent the person who coaxed you in to it. Didn’t even coax really. More like we were living together and he decided since he was paying for the internet bill, he didn’t really want it anymore (mostly for the reason that he thought he spent too much time on social media). From then on, we deleted our face books and went to the library or a place with wifi when we wanted to get online.

This was almost five years ago! I’ve been “offline” for the most part I think since then. And I’ve kind of drifted back in to using it with the last guy I was seeing because he used it. (You sensing the pattern here? clever devils.­čśë Now that Prankster Penisbreath (love u too sw33th3art) is OUTTA THE PICTURE. what do I do now?

what.. do.. I.. do.. now.. ?

its just me and my own damned self. and you know what the craziest thing is……

I almost didn’t know for a minute.

I almost don’t know now.

But I do know, I’ve kept writing. That is the one thing, no matter who I have been with, what I have done, the things I have seen, the fucking wild ass crazy places I’ve been. I’ve kept writing. Because the ideas keep coming. And I pray more than I even pray for love, that the ideas never stop coming.

I’ve pick up a few more cool habits since I last logged in. One is the motherfreaking circus. I joke with my daddios that now it is a legitimate option for me, to quit my life as a regular functioning member of society and join the circus.

I have got to say. I have got to say. That on a bad day….

it’s a pretty tempting option.

watch the silks get slain:

stay fierce, my friends

be brave

xx

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alternative

boss b!tch

word to the wise ladies ; men are delicate creatures. with more of an ego than ours would like to give them credit for.

compromise. its the golden ticket. and patience. that’s the holy grail for me right there.

my new phone doesn’t have autocorrect and that is really fucking with me. The Fourth of July happened and it was Merry, Merry Magical. There’s an open spot in my heart for a man on a golf cart. I’ve been trying to close it. But something bigger than me like the fucking universe or some shit, is keeping it open. So whatever. I’ll wait. Wait and see, wait and see.

I’m trying to run away to the circus I think, sometime soon. I won’t be going anywhere. But I’ll definitely be joining the circus. I don’t even care about ruining my anonymity anymore. I’m not that sure anybody even reads this shit anyhow. So word to the cool, I found my stage name and I’ll be going by the super fabulous, mystic trickster name of Merry Magick.

watch the pretty boys eat their hearts out while I spin upside down.

I’m not sure exactly what to do at this stage in the game where I am right now. And I’d say if anything, giving up is not an option. What is it I want to give up on though? I have a window for love and forever for freedom? But believe it or not at almost 25, there’s seriously still a question in my heart… What do I choose? Security or adventure?

Either way, can I be satisfied?

I don’t know what to do. But sometimes I wish I didn’t know so much shit about astrology and all that, because then I wouldn’t really already have an idea about what’s going to happen. Haha! But I am, and I do. That magick has a K on the end of it, for a reason after all. And I don’t fuck around with posers.

But like I said- men are much more delicate than we…erhm,… I.. would like to think they are…

So patience, little grasshopper (meaning me.)

You’ll get to the end of your rainbow when you’re meant to get there.

so stfu & think nothing but love

xx

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alternative living, serverprobs

independence weekend

happy fourth of july weekend you sons of bitches.

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hope you all have a very merry weekend .

I’m off to a good start, calling out of work last minute with a bullshit food poisoning excuse. If you tell a restaurant manager you’ve been throwing up- you cant work. Best excuse. Nobody can refute it.

We were going to be way overstaffed anyways. I did all those other kids a favor calling out. I’m sure they’ll come to their senses and thank me later.

Til then I’m sticking with my story about malos pescados and food poisoning from a mezcal bar. Because fourth of July is my favorite holiday and itd be blasphemous to spend it any other way than this.

I’ve got to go buy myself a large package of explosives and a kiddie pool and I’ll be on my merry way.

Stay beautiful, stay adventurous

and dont vote for Hilary Clinton, please! She’ll kill us all with natural gas and corporate extorsions.

stay free

xx

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single girl probs

#sorrynotsorry

someone remind me again what the big deal is about weddings?

fuckpinterest

OH! That’s right. Pinterest.

Fuck You Pinterest. You’re making me feel like a spinster and I’m only 24. WHO THE FUCK NEEDS TO PLAN A WEDDING WHEN YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A BOY WHO ANSWERS YOUR PHONE CALLS.

I’ve decided to try and not put negativity about this relationship into the internet, or even allow it into my mind. But it is so damn hard. Being surrounded by all of this talk, all of this pressure to get in a relationship, to be a pair, to find a good one before they’re all gone, blah blah blah. I keep wishing. I keep praying. I keep waking up and every morning I’m still alone.

So its Amy Winehouse Pandora radio for me today. juss gotta jam this one out.

Love has been more important to me than work, for a good year now. And I think that’s because I’ll always have work. But I won’t always have love. That’s got to be the way I look at it. But that’s not true. Life is long. Love is longer. There’s no limit. There’s no age. There’s no rush.

My best friend is getting married. My very best, lifelong, ride or die, kill a bitch for me, best friend.

We just had her bachelorette party this weekend. She’s been in love with this SAME GUY for TEN YEARS. They’re finally getting married and I couldn’t be happier for them. Naturally I’m a bridesmaid. Naturally I’m the hott mess in the relationship. And Naturally I’m the only single one in the whole goddamned bridal party.

I’m trying not to let my feelings about men and relationships take away from the happiness I have for the two of them. But I find myself holding back vom by every other goddamned girl in the bridal party looking shit up on pinterest and starting every other goddamned sentence with “when I get married” or “at my wedding” or “blah blah blah you’re a lonely bitch”

Just kidding, nobody says that. But it really makes me so sad.

Because I start to think. How the hell am I going to have a guy fall in love with me #1, and #2 how on god’s good green earth are we going to stay happy together for 10+ years?!

I’ve put too much thought and focus on my relationships lately and they really need to just take a back seat. Blame it on the stars, I’m kind of cursed that way. Star crossed lover with just my damned self.

There’s a little Cancerian Crab Man they’re all trying to hook me up with for this wedding and I can’t lie I am a little excited about it. But I have a hard time letting go. I thought me and the Prankster guy were gonna take the world by storm. Jump on a bus and head to Chicago, light fireworks together, be best friends and lovers.

I am really scared that I won’t be able to find that kind of excitement and fulfillment with some one else. I need a guy who can grab me by the hand and take me to the driveway and smash some pumpkins. I need a guy that can fix a tractor.

But I also need a guy who can answer his phone.

maybe one day.

like I said.

life is long.

xx

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