ohhhh. its been a long, long time. my friend.
and an even longer time still, for some things.
cleaning the cobwebs off. I don’t feel much like explaining myself. I just feel like pouring out a bit of this ache into some poetic enchantments so I won’t have to deal with them anymore.
I miss you so much. But you’re a man who’s left no trace. Its wrong of me now to even think about contacting you. But no one has ever been the same. I don’t think I’ve ever been the same.
I thought you were always going to be there. I thought that I could do anything and that was wrong. I thought I could say anything. And that was so wrong. We were so young, and I needed so much. I still need so much. But I’ve learned to be stronger. I’ve learned that I’ll never get the real thing I’m craving. But I’ll find it in the right places, in other places. And I do.
You see, for just about the longest time since I can remember, I’ve been looking for something to satisfy this dull but constant aching in my heart. And I know it sounds so melancholy and dramatic, but its real, just like any kind of back pain or knees or neck, is real. And this pain, I’d dull it down with alcohol, with weed, rolling, trolling, having sex. And when it’d get to be too much I’d lash out, like people do when they’re in pain. And I’d find myself the victim of it, or worse, the people that I really love.
Sometimes I’d tell myself that I’m not really in that much pain at all. Just like people with bad backs try to lift things they shouldn’t lift. I’d still try to use my heart and think it wouldn’t break.
But it wasn’t healed, and I hadn’t taken care of it. So it was never going to get better unless I tried to leave it alone for a while. Take the time, make the mends, to let it heal on its own.
In the mean time. Of leaving it alone. The people you love find new people to love. The people you love that you’ve treated like absolute shit get tired of it. Their back doesn’t hurt, they don’t need to take a rest. So they keep lifting, they keep moving.
Now that I feel ready to move again. I find out that I am most definitely, one hundred percent, infinity times infinity times, too late.
and that just might break my heart all over again.
and it does, sometimes, when I sit and think about it.
for a lot of different reasons
and in a lot of different ways.
But I really can’t be that sad. Because at least now I can move. At least I’m back out of repair. At least I can try to join the others now, a few years behind, but maybe try and catch up.
I loved a man who taught me how not to leave a trace. And I try really hard these days to still live the way he taught me. I know that I could never move to rural vermont and be a home body. My life is in my work and I’m doing a damned good job right now getting this all together. I’m just about done on this stupid ass feature that I actually hate. But its important to have something finished. … just to have it…. stupid, I know. But there’s a game to this kind of thing. slowly but surely I’m learning the rules. mostly so I can find out which ones I can disregard…
I really just wrote all this because writing you a letter at this point is beyond inappropriate. and maybe there’s a chance somewhere at some point in time and in life that you’ll see this and just know: there is infinite love for you in my heart. forever and ever. you just knew me at a time when I wasn’t ready to love. And now that I am I can’t understand how I ever let you go. In some ways I do, because — like I said, career path and all.. But I feel like you would have stayed by me. It would have been such a more pleasurable path if we were in this together.
I just miss you like hell, more like heaven I guess.
and I never properly grieved your loss because part of me always thought you’d be back.
I found out about five months ago though, he had a baby. a boy.
and I didn’t show it then, but my heart broke for about a week straight after that. because that was when I knew it was done. I don’t know if I ever thought we could get back together. But I just always thought I could see you again. Just feel your presence. Just be near you.
Now that I know that’s not something I can ever have… Its difficult to describe the depth of regret I feel for the ways I’ve acted to him.
But to regret is to go mad. and to go mad… I’ve already done that. no fun.. ! You taught me so much about how to live. and even more about how to love. You taught me a lot more about those things though, after you left me. And that’s something I want you to know.
so I just wanted to say thank you. and that I love you forever. Other men I’ve known, like that fucking loser Big and Prankster Pants and even this new British Bloke…. none of them compare. Really. British Bloke is the closest thing… really… but I’m scared I’m losing him too.
and see, maybe now that’s where all these feelings have found their way out from.
Is it possible to have more than one love of your life? Because I feel I’ve already had mine. Any time I feel a heartache coming on, it always ends with you. But never in a bad way. Its just this bitter sweet despondency that I’ll never get to see you. I’ll never hold you again. I’ll never see your sweet smile and those dimples, oh god. they’d drive me crazy with love.
just to stroke my fingers through your hair, or to put my head in the middle of your chest. To hear you laugh. To joke. To sit in silence. To cook dinner. To make out. I don’t know what I’d give.
… I don’t know if I’d give anything at all
I don’t think I’d give my life right now though. I don’t even think I’d give up all those other men I’ve dated. Maybe Big though. He was the nail in the coffin for us, love. And he was a fucking moron. Not even worth it at all.
But he was also a catalyst to this new grand adventure I call my life.
and so maybe for that I ought to be grateful.
I just really miss you tonight. and I want you to know, I still love you. And no matter where life takes the two of us; I always will.