#dontbescared

 

 

it took a few days to recover, but I’ve been dealt worse blows than this.

 

 

despite it all, I still believe in love. I still think you’re out there. at this hour. maybe even thinking about me. Somewhere in a bar with glitter on your face. Your hair and your clothes covered in your sweet sweat and your voice deep and soft, talking to a friend or someone you’ve just met about something brilliant or removed.

 

I dreamt about you last night… again. Sometimes in bed I ask my mind to see you in my dreams. Usually it works. You had a woman on your arm this time. Someone I’ve met.  She cast a spell to keep you at her side. But you didn’t want to be there. You were talking to another girl, through text that I saw in my dream. Someone I had never heard of. You were pleading to her, to get away from this one who holds you captive in her seemingly passive but severe & supernatural grip.

 

I don’t know if I’m an option anymore, but in my dreams you still watch me. When I ask for you, you still come to me.

 

so maybe. we’ll see.

 

But I’ve got to say I’m so tired of waiting. I just want to wake up next to someone near the beach and be in love.

 

Nigerian Prince shit the bed faster than you could change the sheets. I knew the mistake we made before we made it, and all the while while we made it. but we gave in to the carnal kind of pleasure we both wanted, before we knew a thing about each others’ soul. it left us wanting and surrounded by a false sense of intimacy, which lead to a feeling of duty and a heavy burden of pretense and commitment. We both ran from it with our heads still turned back looking towards each other.

 

What could have been? What if we waited?

 

Maybe it’d be the same as where we stand now. separate and silent. our heads buried too deep into our personal pursuits for success that we’re blind to the notion of settling down.

 

But baby, I don’t want to settle down. I want to soar.

 

I’d love to have someone at my side for that ride, you know.

 

I saw a photo of my first love and his eyes looked tired. that kind of broke my heart. please don’t tell me that you let your dreams die inside those sleepy hills and please don’t tell me you’ve laid yourself down beside those mountains and surrendered yourself to rest.

 

because when I knew you there was a fire that burned too bright even for me. and that was something I loved most.

 

I think it was something even she might have loved most. so for your family, don’t let the coals go cold.

 

ignite your soul again and burn forever.

 

and I’ll say it until the end of time, I loved you better than any of the rest. And I’m sorry I didn’t know it then.

 

and thank you for loving me better than any of the rest. they try but they don’t know me like you do.

 

and sometimes I think maybe that’s for the best.

 

I’m not that same girl. but I remember her with with a sad respect. she had wounds beyond the scope of normal suffering. I understand them now, but I don’t lick them anymore.

 

I don’t need to.

And its not something I should continue to apologize for. I forgive myself completely. Probably the last person on the long list of people who’ve needed to forgive me for the carnage from the blind suffering I endured.

 

I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve learned

 

really you couldn’t have asked for more

 

thank the beautiful sweet, sexy and scary gods I didn’t…

 

 

who knows how much more I could hold inside this heart.

I’m willing to test my limits though.

 

 

 

#dontbescared

 

 

xx

 

workspace confessions

 

 

the original workaholics. in my mind anyway. except there is no Fergueson. Fergs is from Office Space, but this time the boss.

 

 

in case you don’t know what I’m talking about.

 

& you probably don’t, because you’ve never heard of workspace confessions. a web series I wrote revolving around a second shift office crew. its balls bananas. alcoholic secretary, that dude as a boss, and Peterson. my favorite. he’s always involved in some kind of social revolutionary shenanigans. Then there’s John, who’s just going to be named John. I think his character name was Matt before, but its based loosely off John who would have played him.

 

granted if we didn’t all get fired from our day job, at a film office – because we were producing that… while we worked there. …making fun of everyone & everything about there… while we were there….

 

okay. we get it!

 

I would be disappointed if I thought that it was an actual career mistake. But right now actually, is when I feel my career is starting. And I’m glad I’m doing it this way, all by myself. I’m not waiting on a big break, I’m working hard. I’m working tirelessly friends, and here’s my Bradshaw cliche moment workspace confession – I’m exhausted & sometimes lonely.

 

Sadly it helps, I’m getting a lot of work done on Catherine in The Anomie – a feature. which by the way HAS ANYONE SEEN UNDER THE SKIN. By Jonathan Glazer. just go and see it, and reassess what you think filmmaking is all about.

 

while I’m on the shout out wagon. I’ve rediscovered south park. luhv yew guise; Cartman voice

 

The 0.00001% chance I get to see Big again is back on the table. after I’ve been fine, mind you. totally. fine. and you know what I think? quite honestly, I’m still fine. he doesn’t drive me so mad anymore. There’s isn’t anything that’s drawing me to him. He isn’t being charming and its not how he used to be. The last thing we spoke about was the weather. if that’s not bro talk I don’t know what is.

 

its been like a month or more of silence dude.

 

I don’t want to talk about the fucking weather.

 

I want you to talk about how you’re sorry I didn’t come to see you back in April. and to talk about what you’re doing in the summer.

 

I can assure you ladies & gentlemen. I’ll be filming all summer – inshallah, I’ll be filming this summer. although my crazy ass would still love to see colorado. that 0.00001% I realize is also half my doing. If I don’t want to see him. I don’t have to see him. but that 0.00001% does.

 

even though in real life I have a different obsession with another unattainable. that one’s still too juicy to blog about right now. probably because in conversation I refer to him my as “my boyfriend” but boyfriend is probably the last thing either of us would want.

 

if you’re catching my drift.

 

love? oh baby. I don’t know, but I want it. somewhere in my heart I really do want it. Because I feel lonely. I’m a single girl working my butt off and I get lonely. Plus, I’d love a back massage now & then [; but real companionship. I want a solid dude, so until I find one I’m just gonna have to keep writing – because that shit really takes the edge off.

 

so what are we now celibacy in the suburbs?

 

 

keep it trashy my friends

 

 

xx

 

feliz cinco de mayo

 

 

hoy es la dia de tequila para los gringos
y es la dia de independicia para los mexicanos

 

 

gracias, y muy bien as well.

 

 

So a post about the fez has come and gone just like the mighty fez himself. oh, and good thing I didn’t spill my heart out or anything – because that’d be really embarrassing to have to admit days later that: he. broke. up. with. me.

 

oh yes. he did.

why?

 

well..

 

he’s a fool.

first of all. 

 

second of all;

 

I’m a lunatic. and I’m a lunatic, because – well – look at this blog, look at my life. the real reason, why, is because I have an affliction called “feelings” and “feelings” scare people away. But when he started identifying spruce trees and red pines on a hike in the woods, well shit, I started to fall in love. Couldn’t help it. And then when he told me he thinks he used to be a sex addict & also one day I’ll meet his mom. I just said “well okay then, we can just let it go & go with the flow.”

 

so I am a lunatic. I attract the crazies, and I can’t even hold on to them…

 

let it go and with the flow we did my friends.

 

So on the same weekend I dropped off the J Crew sweater I borrowed from Tour de Pants back at his lovely New Haven home, just right on the front steps like a cold bitch; I fell head over heels over soul over body into love with someone who wasn’t ready for me.

 

two chapters closed. two birds with two stones.

 

The night before the break up the former sex addict fez did ask if I would sleep with him. in more calmer terms “would tonight, be the night.”  – I said no. 

 

 

*cricket* *cricket*

 

 

I live with no regrets.

 

happy independence

 

xx

 

 

the high life

 

 

 

living it
bringing it
and killin it

 

 

I went sledding today with two extremely beautiful people & we smoked and got our asses kicked by gravity walking up & were rewarded on the way down. 

 

I thought how nice it would be to ski someday & to go to the rocky mountains. 

 

Thinking about things like that – relate to big and would normally have made me sad. but he’s made it quite clear to me: that the time is in fact; never going to be right. and I should open up my heart to the mysteries lurking in the brooklyn corner of the world. reluctantly, repeatedly, I’ll try again.

 

And I also thought – well hey just because I think of Montana being a place where he would be, and where I would want to be together.. doesn’t mean I can’t still go there someday. I need to go to brooklyn first. I need to make a living.

 

But that’s quite difficult when everyone that I am trying to work with is wanting to sleep with me. Thats an exaggeration, but still frustrating all the same. It makes me feel down about it, to be honest.  If all this fucking time I was trying to get shit started, you just wanted your d wet? that makes me feel real shitty. shitty enough to drop you all together & get my own camera. keep the name or sign on to somewhere new entirely. 

 

I got all I need. and probably a little more actually. A Very Merry Baghead Christmas will be coming shortly. A second in a series of odd videos I made. by.my.self.thank.you.

 

the world is my oyster & I wont be tied down for anything, by anything.

except, for xmas please SOMEBODY find me a web designer. 

 

xx