wordpress, you’ve changed on me.
that’s alright. I’ve done some changing myself.
Still not too good on that html drive and really not that hott on the internet. I just don’t juggle my life, my writing, my work, my company and my online media presence all at the same time.
I’ve been deciding lately, what to do with this blog. Do I continue it? And what as? Do I even change it at all? Is it personal or professional? Is it me or is it the Cooler Carrie Bradshaw? Is it even really important?
So I’m at a crossroads. Haha, I’ve got two to choose from. More than that actually, all things considered.
Last night, for the first time I felt really alone. I know that sounds sad and dramatic but I mean, it felt liberating. I felt alone. And I liked it. I mean, I wasn’t having a great time. I was scared, up at night crying, and I went through my address book mentally, who could I talk to that I haven’t already talked to? Who’s up at 1am to listen to my sob story?
nobody. nobody but me.
and take my word for it. It really felt nice. Because for the first time in maybe my entire life aside from my wild ride of a childhood – I felt like “I got this”.
That’s a cool thing to say to yourself. truly, and mean it – that you got this.
Talk myself down off that cliff. Carry on keep calm, keep cool, and all else aside. You got this.
So I think I’m going to keep this blog up as the mixture that its been – of both. A little bit of both roads. Because when I was up last night I thought of Catherine. I felt like Catherine and it helps me to understand a bit of her desperation and a lot of her fear.
She’s a character from my self proclaimed manifesto “The Anomie” that I’ve shopped around at Sundance before it was finished – LOL. shopped around meaning I sent it and they rejected it. Good thing too, because it wasn’t finished. It’ll never be probably finished. But as I’m leaning the The Common Alligator, you’ve gotta let go sometime. If people gotta see it, eventually it needs to be finished.
Until then, I’ll just enjoy the ride.
And with this? I’ll enjoy this too. I’ve recently just been too paranoid about what you post on the internet. Nothing is erased and everything is documented and potentially tracked. That puts a real damper on one of my favorite pastimes – thought crime.
Especially because what my art is, is all about destroying things. For the expression of it and the actual action of it. Titties to the wind, I don’t care that’s my calling. That’s what I’m out there expressing. By the end of The Anomie, they’ve bombed a subway. (Don’t worry – that’s not giving too much away).
It saddens me to say this on a rainy Fourth of July – but funding for that kind of expression here in Merika just isn’t going to fly for me. I don’t think the MPAA will be jumping out of their seats for this one; unless its to get away from it.
because which road we on mothafuckas?
the one less traveled by.