second hand smoke

 

 

well, sorry for losing my shit in that last post.

 

it happens sometimes.

 

I’m in much brighter spirits today. 

 

 

But its been a real grind lately. There is no vacation in sight. Social media lends us information sometimes we’d rather just not see, not know, not give a fucking shit about. 

 

But we do, we give so many shits for so many things that we should probably just forget about. 

 

peace Big. you were great. and you’re still a muse. but I have to stop setting my heart up for disappointment. There’s been too much of that in the past, from a lot of folks. The future looks a lot brighter, a lot less cluttered with broken shit. 

 

How bout some of that exxxpensive shit, yeah? Next phase, 250studios has got to get some funds directed at it. I am working on it. Sometimes I wish I’d just die before I have to grow up and run a company. Its so tedious some days, and it doesn’t feel real. The first day I can pay myself, it’ll maybe feel a little real. Maybe when people jump on board. The right kind of people. It will feel real.

 

250studios is for the kind of people who would like this blog. If you like that good good, that dark, that smart, that sexy shit. Without the objectivism, prejudice, corporate reach, you will like us. We have our first film in production and after that we’re going to a web series. After that we’re going to mars and probably prison. LOL, jk. don’t touch me pigs.

 

http://www.twofiftystudios.com

 

xx

 

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identifying the fear

 

  

I’ve been on a few different missions lately folks,

554e2e563ee06565b2c66a7369dc9bdfone of them; as you might obviously guess, is identifying the fear.

 

 

I always thought I was pretty good about diving deep and exploring into myself. But the truth is, that’s a charade. I don’t do it truly. Half my zodiac is in Scorpio (Libra cusps, fuck yeah) That’s got Pluto & Hades so you’d think that identifying and understanding the darker side to my self would come easy. But nah bra. Its something like Venus keeping it at bay, one of them love goddesses won’t let me be too ugly.

 

But I want to get fugly, mother fckin rage dark.

 

And I feel like I can’t completely commit to that – and its driving me insane. 

 

I am scared that getting that far into the dark will definitely drive a lot of people away from me. I mean, I am already a very strange person to begin with. That black panther friend of mine slinks around quite a lot. But I know that there is some way to use this all for a common good. 

I do want to break things, and destroy things, and I wish some kinds of people didn’t exist, truly. And as I am waiting for most of them to die off, I see we are busy breeding an entire new nation of imbecile, taking selfies everyday and consumed by garbage on the internet.

 

I’ve got nothing against a good selfie – its a staple. But 12 year old girls taking a daily “after school” selfie…… W. T. actual. F. 

 

That kind of shit scares me more than anything I have dwelling in my self.

 

So we’ve come full semi-circle. As I find what it is that scares me, I have to find a way to either be alright with it or to find a way to wipe it out of existence.

 

I am definitely scared of failing, I’m scared of pushing people away from me, I’m scared of driving my tired little body into the ground with exhaustion. I’m scared of Atlas shrugging his shoulders on us. 

 

That, I can all control. That fear has no power over me.

 

Except Atlas.

 

That’s up to all of us, 12 year old selfie girls included.

 

everybody. included.

 

xx

 

 

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two roads

wordpress, you’ve changed on me.

that’s alright. I’ve done some changing myself.

Still not too good on that html drive and really not that hott on the internet. I just don’t juggle my life, my writing, my work, my company and my online media presence all at the same time.

I’ve been deciding lately, what to do with this blog. Do I continue it? And what as? Do I even change it at all? Is it personal or professional? Is it me or is it the Cooler Carrie Bradshaw? Is it even really important?

So I’m at a crossroads. Haha, I’ve got two to choose from. More than that actually, all things considered.

Last night, for the first time I felt really alone. I know that sounds sad and dramatic but I mean, it felt liberating. I felt alone. And I liked it. I mean, I wasn’t having a great time. I was scared, up at night crying, and I went through my address book mentally, who could I talk to that I haven’t already talked to? Who’s up at 1am to listen to my sob story?

nobody. nobody but me.

and take my word for it. It really felt nice. Because for the first time in maybe my entire life aside from my wild ride of a childhood – I felt like “I got this”.

That’s a cool thing to say to yourself. truly, and mean it – that you got this.

Talk myself down off that cliff. Carry on keep calm, keep cool, and all else aside. You got this.

So I think I’m going to keep this blog up as the mixture that its been – of both. A little bit of both roads. Because when I was up last night I thought of Catherine. I felt like Catherine and it helps me to understand a bit of her desperation and a lot of her fear.

She’s a character from my self proclaimed manifesto “The Anomie” that I’ve shopped around at Sundance before it was finished – LOL. shopped around meaning I sent it and they rejected it. Good thing too, because it wasn’t finished. It’ll never be probably finished. But as I’m leaning the The Common Alligator, you’ve gotta let go sometime. If people gotta see it, eventually it needs to be finished.

Until then, I’ll just enjoy the ride.

And with this? I’ll enjoy this too. I’ve recently just been too paranoid about what you post on the internet. Nothing is erased and everything is documented and potentially tracked. That puts a real damper on one of my favorite pastimes – thought crime.

Especially because what my art is, is all about destroying things. For the expression of it and the actual action of it. Titties to the wind, I don’t care that’s my calling. That’s what I’m out there expressing. By the end of The Anomie, they’ve bombed a subway. (Don’t worry – that’s not giving too much away).

It saddens me to say this on a rainy Fourth of July – but funding for that kind of expression here in Merika just isn’t going to fly for me. I don’t think the MPAA will be jumping out of their seats for this one; unless its to get away from it.

HAHA.

because which road we on mothafuckas?

the one less traveled by.

happy bastille

xx

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t.g.i.f

 

 

I just got started a new treatment for le screenplay du francais.

 

 

I actually started it at like 11:00 last night and ran straight through til the early hours. So my work is just about done for the weekend. Got some video auditions coming in next week and I still got to get cracking on that money game.

 

My dad says it best; he says just almost about anything best, he’s why my heart isn’t a cold black stone, more like a warm melancholy maroon. He says, “The difference, between a hobby and a career path. One, you get paid for, the other you don’t.”

 

I can still crush an entire two serving box of Annie’s mac & cheese doe. prioritize.

 

and I got my blaze on at the beach toady. I don’t know how some people can live their whole lives without seeing the ocean. I’ve been turning into a beach bum lately. I really like it. The water comforts me and the sand is fucking awesome. The sun, dat sun doe, super good. super fresh, super nice, super hott. 

 

and I’m happy, all around. 

 

I watched a really great documentary last night. I’m thinking I might just get my $8 worth from Netflix, its not worth another account just for another free trial – I have done that with companies I liked less though, watch out. It was called “Urbanization” and it was all about Urban Design.

 

In Bogota Columbia, they have paved paths for bicycles to commute to the city and buses are like subways, the cool and smart thing to ride – they have their own lane and move faster than cars. They have a good solution to their transportation and city congestion problem. In Germany though, they have this awful project, corrupted by money and power – tearing up old trees and ruining a city to put their rails down underground. I don’t know how I feel about that. 

 

Just work with what ya momma gave you.

 

watch ya self

 

show me what you workin with

 

xx

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done

 

 

 

did & did

 

and I feel really good about it. 

 

I didn’t for a hott second because my aunt’s husband didn’t like a smashed television set in his garbage can for tomorrow’s pick up. so I took that sucker out on the town and got rid of it all. now I feel really fucking great.

 

I did it. today my friends. and I’ve got one gnarly bruise to prove it.

 

I’m talking about the tv smashing scene in The Common Alligator. that whole feature film deal thing I’m producing. I actually wrote it two years ago, and to start seeing it come to life its actually mind-blowing, tingly, panicy, completely overwhelming and utterly spellbinding. but happening nonetheless and this is capturing a little of it now.

 

 

its capturing some kind of this intoxication. haha, that and a lot of other intoxications at other times for that matter.

 

 

the most nauseating intoxication; other than gin, drumroll…..love. haha!! or the lack thereof it in my life. I’ve gone on a “give my number to you” binge and its turned up largely unsuccessful. I mean, I’ve met some attractive male types. made out con el mexicano and got backmotherfuckingstage to meet the other one. he was hott. that kind of dude is on my level.

 

the my level dude though, may have a much cooler game than I, and a much cooler attitude to boot. he’s still touring. 

 

le sigh, what a fangirl.

at least I got his number, and he was into it.

 

offered it. actually.

 

but I can only wait and see if we stay in touch. I said this to my girl Sarah: I’d call me. Like I would text me back. crazy aside, I’m one cool lady. and even my crazy isn’t that bad. its captivating.

 

for some.

 

for others it bothers them like garbage.

like smashed tvs sitting in their garbage.

 

stay sassy america

 

xx

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motorcycle man

 

vroom, vroom baby.

Image

 

ow, ow.

 

 

I was driving to get some gas in my car the other day. And I fell behind this hott piece in traffic. He had on a Patagonia shirt, hiking boots (I’m salivating) His forearms were thick, muscular and tan. He had broad shoulders and he was looking back at me through his rear view mirrors. Then he pulls in to a crowded Citgo.

 

Me being the wimpy little sucker that I am go ahead to the Shell just another second down the strip; kicking myself. I should have pulled in behind him and we could have waited in line together. I should have said hello. He met about four of the 378 requirements on my list, why the hell not.

 

I finished getting gas and I told myself – drive back and see if he’s still there you little sissy. and you go say hello, buy a soda in the gas station and check him out (I was looking good too, heels, a mini dress & I had put makeup on that morning) So I drive back. And I slow down when I come to the gas station he is at. And I see him, with his helmet off.

 

Gray hair, balding, beer gut, same ride, same t-shirt, same fucking hiking boots.

 

not my man.

 

not the man I had in my head.

 

 

This is a funny story. Kind of. But it really made me think. We build up so much of what we want into something that we don’t even have. We imagine what isn’t there and convince ourselves, that maybe it is coming, maybe we just have to do something to bring it out. That if we believe in it hard enough, eventually it will come true.

 

it doesn’t.

 

that’s the cold hard truth.

 

Of course this brings me back to Big. I’ve been thinking of him practically nonstop since he answered me back on Skype and we’ve had like three sentences of conversation over a month. shoot. me. please. blow out this idiot brain. I can’t do it myself because I think that’d be a talent lost. so someone else please kill me.

 

 

I’m not going to see him in September, I know that already. I probably won’t even be traveling in September, because I hope my asian friend gets back into school and shit. I need to travel though. But I’m not going to seek him out again – the bridge is built back, but he doesn’t want to trim the thorns on his side of it. so fucking leave them. I’ll grow mine, turn that shit into fucking roses. Find a troll or something to guard my side of that bridge. Because that’s exactly what this is – one huge fantastical fairy tale fantasy.

 

I’ve seen it for myself, again and again and again. He’s not a solid dude, he’s not someone you can rely on, not somebody you’d want to be your “go-to”. But I’ve convinced myself that if he just takes a hit of that true love drug I’ve been sipping on; he’ll morph into that some day. That one day once his senses are awakened and he realizes what a prize I’d be, he’ll gallop on in with a fucking motorcycle and scoop me up and take me away to the mountains where we could hunt and fish and smoke a lot of weed for the rest of our days. happily ever after.

 

There isn’t a magic love drug, except molly, and that shit only lasts four hours.

 

soooooo. here we are, awake from dreamland ladies and gents. its been a fun time and a very bumpy ride. I’m sure I’ll look back and want to revisit. But I can’t. Want to know why? Want to know the real true gritty raw and reason why?

 

If he left her. What’d stop him from leaving me?

 

He left his daughter and the mother of that girl. So if you can do that, and do it twice?! I’ve just been mad in a mad madness my friends, and I’m drowsy, but rubbing my eyes, waking up. 

 

I just didn’t want to. I think it goes without saying, that he can ride a bike. 

 

But didn’t we all just learn something about that?

 

vroom, vroom baby.

 

 

xx

 

 

 

 

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thompson lewis jones

 

 

 

 

 

he’ll eat your heart right out, you big world.

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more like he gets his heart eaten out by the world.

Here’s The Common Alligator. Matt Stevens, the actor who plays him is really a tremendous guy. Charismatic, surprisingly *see photo, and he’s artistic, diverse, dedicated and a pleasure to be around. What’s important is he believes in Thompson and he believes in the production. And those kind of people are invaluable, no matter what you do.

 

It was really amazing working a full day on set. My first full ten hour+ day and a lot of it after 3:00 I spent it barefoot. The crew has got their shit together – all of it. What little bit we have to work with, we are running miles. I can see already that this summer is shaping up to be one of the best ones. I’ll be working my ass on both ends, but working at something I love. And if pouring wine and knowing what a tartufo is will pay that way for me, fucking give me seven and like three canoli dips. I got this.

 

I am a little nervous that I ruined my aunts house from all these wild times. She knew we were filming here & I’m cleaning the whole house pretty much before she comes back. But there is a perfect circle of dead grass right in the center of her backyard. While we were burning notebooks for Sydney’s fire pit scene, I didn’t realize that the raised fire pit would actually kill the grass. So not only am I responsible for the death of all those grass blades, I’ve tarnished my uncle’s impeccably kept lawn. And I’m nervous about it, I feel sorry.

 

My asian friend conjured up ideas to remedy this: plant a tree, so she can chill around it instead of having to go so far to the woods. I could sit there. A friend at work suggested I buy a little patch of grass and replace it there. Kerli Kerlz (asian friend) suggest I just color it back somehow.

 

 

I will do none of the above, and I’m sure it will not be a big deal. It will grow back – and if not we can consider the suggestions.

 

Next up, we will be filming in the woods in my hometown.

 

We did not get permits for this. I don’t foresee any trouble; except for the fire pit. Which we will need for two different scenes. And we can do. in two different locations.

 

its going to rain all day tomorrow.

a good day for a brainstorm.

 

 

xx

 

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