alternative media, writing

at&t, milk of the beast

i has internet again.


now the real fun can begins.

but it will be much more than space cats with burritos and bananas. much more than a gif.

Its got a pulse and is getting close to a beating heart!

All it needs it a willing audience. People that are creepy and strange like me, but that want to be entertained without their brain turning to actual rot. They are curious and want to be informed about this world – bias as we may be toward revolution, anarchy and revolt – there’s a subtle touch of social commentary within the work we produce.

so subtle.

unlike the guys that bump into your ass leaving the bar.

like; I know what you’re doing. & I work here. so stop.



ah, it feels so good to be back.



freedom ain’t free



and wifi isn’t either.




but I’d be still bargaining with google even if I did sign myself up for a home internet connection. 



So what’s the point of another bill? The convenience. There’s that. But its much tougher to binge watch netflix in a coffee shop. So I guess it can wait another month. Plus I’m such a lazy fuck when it comes to getting in line with the system. If it doesn’t do something substantially for me – physically, spiritually, orrrr economically that shits at the bottom of the list. 


I also haven’t turned my gas on yet… Don’t hate yet or think I sound self righteous and all transcendental -ish. Two cold showers deep and I’m about to start investing in Merill Lynch. 


Its been Heaven though. That little space on the third floor of that house in the middle of bumblefucksville in Hamden, is my home. My art is on the walls, my rug is on the floor, and flowers in pots. Real Heaven. 


I finally think I have some time to breathe and piece the past two years together. I was trying so hard to do what I wanted, and still please my people around me and do what they thought they wanted me to do. Now I just do what I want to do, and they are just happy I do that.


I stopped asking myself to want that approval, or that understanding, from them and from pretty much anybody. I just plugged my nose and jumped off the fucking cliff.


I’m still falling.


and I hope I hit the water soon.







second hand smoke



well, sorry for losing my shit in that last post.


it happens sometimes.


I’m in much brighter spirits today. 



But its been a real grind lately. There is no vacation in sight. Social media lends us information sometimes we’d rather just not see, not know, not give a fucking shit about. 


But we do, we give so many shits for so many things that we should probably just forget about. 


peace Big. you were great. and you’re still a muse. but I have to stop setting my heart up for disappointment. There’s been too much of that in the past, from a lot of folks. The future looks a lot brighter, a lot less cluttered with broken shit. 


How bout some of that exxxpensive shit, yeah? Next phase, 250studios has got to get some funds directed at it. I am working on it. Sometimes I wish I’d just die before I have to grow up and run a company. Its so tedious some days, and it doesn’t feel real. The first day I can pay myself, it’ll maybe feel a little real. Maybe when people jump on board. The right kind of people. It will feel real.


250studios is for the kind of people who would like this blog. If you like that good good, that dark, that smart, that sexy shit. Without the objectivism, prejudice, corporate reach, you will like us. We have our first film in production and after that we’re going to a web series. After that we’re going to mars and probably prison. LOL, jk. don’t touch me pigs.





identifying the fear



I’ve been on a few different missions lately folks,

554e2e563ee06565b2c66a7369dc9bdfone of them; as you might obviously guess, is identifying the fear.



I always thought I was pretty good about diving deep and exploring into myself. But the truth is, that’s a charade. I don’t do it truly. Half my zodiac is in Scorpio (Libra cusps, fuck yeah) That’s got Pluto & Hades so you’d think that identifying and understanding the darker side to my self would come easy. But nah bra. Its something like Venus keeping it at bay, one of them love goddesses won’t let me be too ugly.


But I want to get fugly, mother fckin rage dark.


And I feel like I can’t completely commit to that – and its driving me insane. 


I am scared that getting that far into the dark will definitely drive a lot of people away from me. I mean, I am already a very strange person to begin with. That black panther friend of mine slinks around quite a lot. But I know that there is some way to use this all for a common good. 

I do want to break things, and destroy things, and I wish some kinds of people didn’t exist, truly. And as I am waiting for most of them to die off, I see we are busy breeding an entire new nation of imbecile, taking selfies everyday and consumed by garbage on the internet.


I’ve got nothing against a good selfie – its a staple. But 12 year old girls taking a daily “after school” selfie…… W. T. actual. F. 


That kind of shit scares me more than anything I have dwelling in my self.


So we’ve come full semi-circle. As I find what it is that scares me, I have to find a way to either be alright with it or to find a way to wipe it out of existence.


I am definitely scared of failing, I’m scared of pushing people away from me, I’m scared of driving my tired little body into the ground with exhaustion. I’m scared of Atlas shrugging his shoulders on us. 


That, I can all control. That fear has no power over me.


Except Atlas.


That’s up to all of us, 12 year old selfie girls included.


everybody. included.






two roads

wordpress, you’ve changed on me.

that’s alright. I’ve done some changing myself.

Still not too good on that html drive and really not that hott on the internet. I just don’t juggle my life, my writing, my work, my company and my online media presence all at the same time.

I’ve been deciding lately, what to do with this blog. Do I continue it? And what as? Do I even change it at all? Is it personal or professional? Is it me or is it the Cooler Carrie Bradshaw? Is it even really important?

So I’m at a crossroads. Haha, I’ve got two to choose from. More than that actually, all things considered.

Last night, for the first time I felt really alone. I know that sounds sad and dramatic but I mean, it felt liberating. I felt alone. And I liked it. I mean, I wasn’t having a great time. I was scared, up at night crying, and I went through my address book mentally, who could I talk to that I haven’t already talked to? Who’s up at 1am to listen to my sob story?

nobody. nobody but me.

and take my word for it. It really felt nice. Because for the first time in maybe my entire life aside from my wild ride of a childhood – I felt like “I got this”.

That’s a cool thing to say to yourself. truly, and mean it – that you got this.

Talk myself down off that cliff. Carry on keep calm, keep cool, and all else aside. You got this.

So I think I’m going to keep this blog up as the mixture that its been – of both. A little bit of both roads. Because when I was up last night I thought of Catherine. I felt like Catherine and it helps me to understand a bit of her desperation and a lot of her fear.

She’s a character from my self proclaimed manifesto “The Anomie” that I’ve shopped around at Sundance before it was finished – LOL. shopped around meaning I sent it and they rejected it. Good thing too, because it wasn’t finished. It’ll never be probably finished. But as I’m leaning the The Common Alligator, you’ve gotta let go sometime. If people gotta see it, eventually it needs to be finished.

Until then, I’ll just enjoy the ride.

And with this? I’ll enjoy this too. I’ve recently just been too paranoid about what you post on the internet. Nothing is erased and everything is documented and potentially tracked. That puts a real damper on one of my favorite pastimes – thought crime.

Especially because what my art is, is all about destroying things. For the expression of it and the actual action of it. Titties to the wind, I don’t care that’s my calling. That’s what I’m out there expressing. By the end of The Anomie, they’ve bombed a subway. (Don’t worry – that’s not giving too much away).

It saddens me to say this on a rainy Fourth of July – but funding for that kind of expression here in Merika just isn’t going to fly for me. I don’t think the MPAA will be jumping out of their seats for this one; unless its to get away from it.


because which road we on mothafuckas?

the one less traveled by.

happy bastille






I just got started a new treatment for le screenplay du francais.



I actually started it at like 11:00 last night and ran straight through til the early hours. So my work is just about done for the weekend. Got some video auditions coming in next week and I still got to get cracking on that money game.


My dad says it best; he says just almost about anything best, he’s why my heart isn’t a cold black stone, more like a warm melancholy maroon. He says, “The difference, between a hobby and a career path. One, you get paid for, the other you don’t.”


I can still crush an entire two serving box of Annie’s mac & cheese doe. prioritize.


and I got my blaze on at the beach toady. I don’t know how some people can live their whole lives without seeing the ocean. I’ve been turning into a beach bum lately. I really like it. The water comforts me and the sand is fucking awesome. The sun, dat sun doe, super good. super fresh, super nice, super hott. 


and I’m happy, all around. 


I watched a really great documentary last night. I’m thinking I might just get my $8 worth from Netflix, its not worth another account just for another free trial – I have done that with companies I liked less though, watch out. It was called “Urbanization” and it was all about Urban Design.


In Bogota Columbia, they have paved paths for bicycles to commute to the city and buses are like subways, the cool and smart thing to ride – they have their own lane and move faster than cars. They have a good solution to their transportation and city congestion problem. In Germany though, they have this awful project, corrupted by money and power – tearing up old trees and ruining a city to put their rails down underground. I don’t know how I feel about that. 


Just work with what ya momma gave you.


watch ya self


show me what you workin with








did & did


and I feel really good about it. 


I didn’t for a hott second because my aunt’s husband didn’t like a smashed television set in his garbage can for tomorrow’s pick up. so I took that sucker out on the town and got rid of it all. now I feel really fucking great.


I did it. today my friends. and I’ve got one gnarly bruise to prove it.


I’m talking about the tv smashing scene in The Common Alligator. that whole feature film deal thing I’m producing. I actually wrote it two years ago, and to start seeing it come to life its actually mind-blowing, tingly, panicy, completely overwhelming and utterly spellbinding. but happening nonetheless and this is capturing a little of it now.



its capturing some kind of this intoxication. haha, that and a lot of other intoxications at other times for that matter.



the most nauseating intoxication; other than gin, drumroll… haha!! or the lack thereof it in my life. I’ve gone on a “give my number to you” binge and its turned up largely unsuccessful. I mean, I’ve met some attractive male types. made out con el mexicano and got backmotherfuckingstage to meet the other one. he was hott. that kind of dude is on my level.


the my level dude though, may have a much cooler game than I, and a much cooler attitude to boot. he’s still touring. 


le sigh, what a fangirl.

at least I got his number, and he was into it.


offered it. actually.


but I can only wait and see if we stay in touch. I said this to my girl Sarah: I’d call me. Like I would text me back. crazy aside, I’m one cool lady. and even my crazy isn’t that bad. its captivating.


for some.


for others it bothers them like garbage.

like smashed tvs sitting in their garbage.


stay sassy america